When we know we're ok vs just getting by
Last night was a bit of a whirlwind and something that seemed worth writing about. Let me say first that this may be triggering for anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss so please keep that in mind. Also, Grey's Anatomy spoilers. You've been warned.
I know I've mentioned this before, but a little over 2 years ago I had a miscarriage. I was 10 weeks pregnant and my world came crashing down. Everything changed for me that night but the biggest was that I now have a hole in my heart that will probably never fully heal. The grief comes and goes in waves. Mostly I can control it or prepare myself, but other times I'll be watching something and... BAM... unexpected trigger. Remember the spoiler warning above? Ok then...
Last night I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and one of the characters, while examining a patient, begins to bleed. I should note that this character is pregnant. Immediately, I knew where they were taking it (it is Grey's afterall), and contemplated turning it off. I've been in such a low place I didn't want anything that would make it worse. But I also wanted to see what would happen with the other storylines and just push through it... so I did. As can be expected, she lost the baby (though they never actually say it outright) and I started to cry.
Now, what's interesting is that in another story that was taking place, a patient had complications during his 4th surgery. He had the surgery 3 times before but the 4th one had issues. I'm not sure if the writers did this on purpose, but miscarriages happen in 1 in 4 pregnancies. I found this a very interesting, whether intended or not, connection throughout the episode.
I know I've mentioned this before, but a little over 2 years ago I had a miscarriage. I was 10 weeks pregnant and my world came crashing down. Everything changed for me that night but the biggest was that I now have a hole in my heart that will probably never fully heal. The grief comes and goes in waves. Mostly I can control it or prepare myself, but other times I'll be watching something and... BAM... unexpected trigger. Remember the spoiler warning above? Ok then...
Last night I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and one of the characters, while examining a patient, begins to bleed. I should note that this character is pregnant. Immediately, I knew where they were taking it (it is Grey's afterall), and contemplated turning it off. I've been in such a low place I didn't want anything that would make it worse. But I also wanted to see what would happen with the other storylines and just push through it... so I did. As can be expected, she lost the baby (though they never actually say it outright) and I started to cry.
Now, what's interesting is that in another story that was taking place, a patient had complications during his 4th surgery. He had the surgery 3 times before but the 4th one had issues. I'm not sure if the writers did this on purpose, but miscarriages happen in 1 in 4 pregnancies. I found this a very interesting, whether intended or not, connection throughout the episode.
But the episode ended, I picked myself up, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be at all. I thought that would be the end of the events for the evening, but I was wrong...
An hour or so later I receive a text message from my ex-husband. We don't talk... haven't spoken in months... so getting this at the hour of the day that I did I knew what it was going to entail. It was manipulative and unnecessary and it honestly made me angry at first. Thankfully I have some wonderful friends that were able to talk me down from my anger, I pushed passed it, and that's that.
What's notable is how far I've come not just in the last year, but in the last 6 months or so. At a time when I was feeling very vulnerable, I receive a text message that should push me over the edge... but it didn't. I got upset (warranted) and moved on with my life. That's how far I've come and something that I'm genuinely proud of. I've created this life for myself, a circle of friends that I hold dear (even if we're scattered across the globe), and pulled myself up from the deepest lows.
I'll never give up. I'll never stop fighting.
-Danielle
