What does it mean to be truly alone?
What does lonely mean to you? What does it mean to be truly alone? Everyone feels lonely at some point in their life (or at least I'm assuming people do), but I'm talking about true loneliness... the kind where you have quite literally no one in the world that you can turn to.
For the majority of my life, I've been alone in some way. I've never really had hoards of friends, never really could turn to my family for things (though that's slightly better now), and if I wasn't at school/work or some other activity, I was alone. I spent my teenage years mostly by myself. Spent the majority of college alone in my single dorm room. Spent nearly a decade in a relationship where I was isolated from everyone else and was made to feel like I had no one.
I know what it's like to treat characters on a TV show like they're real because you don't have anyone else around. I know what it's like to spend all your time in your own head or writing everything out in a journal... pretending like you're talking to someone else. Those journals read like pen pal letters. "Hey! It's been a while. Let me catch you up." I know what it's like to use the word "friend" but never really mean it, knowing that it's all fleeting.
You make friends in school, at work, during some kind of activity... but it always ends. You finish school, you change jobs... none of it ever lasts. You learn very early on that caring about someone means that they'll leave you or let you down in some way. You start holding back and try not to care about anyone or anything until you feel empty inside, but eventually it boils over because your cup is just too full. You care deeply but have no one around to care about.
You find anything that seems real to hold onto. You start using the word friend and meaning it, but then feel bad. "What if they don't think we're friends? I shouldn't call them my friend." You put an extra word before friend. "This is my Twitter friend." Adding in the extra word helps you keep your distance for when the inevitable happens. You apologize for being too much, too little, not enough of XYZ. You're constantly terrified that those you've grown to care about will up and leave which makes every conversation painful. "Is this the last time we'll ever talk?"
As time goes on you find that you want people to share your life, thoughts, and days with. You want people around but the fear is too real. You know what's at the end. You try to poke even the tiniest hole in the brick wall you've built up, but the smallest amount of light cannot drive out the empty darkness in the loneliness cave you've lived in for 25 years.
That's what being lonely means to me. What does it mean to you?
-Danielle
For the majority of my life, I've been alone in some way. I've never really had hoards of friends, never really could turn to my family for things (though that's slightly better now), and if I wasn't at school/work or some other activity, I was alone. I spent my teenage years mostly by myself. Spent the majority of college alone in my single dorm room. Spent nearly a decade in a relationship where I was isolated from everyone else and was made to feel like I had no one.
I know what it's like to treat characters on a TV show like they're real because you don't have anyone else around. I know what it's like to spend all your time in your own head or writing everything out in a journal... pretending like you're talking to someone else. Those journals read like pen pal letters. "Hey! It's been a while. Let me catch you up." I know what it's like to use the word "friend" but never really mean it, knowing that it's all fleeting.
You make friends in school, at work, during some kind of activity... but it always ends. You finish school, you change jobs... none of it ever lasts. You learn very early on that caring about someone means that they'll leave you or let you down in some way. You start holding back and try not to care about anyone or anything until you feel empty inside, but eventually it boils over because your cup is just too full. You care deeply but have no one around to care about.
You find anything that seems real to hold onto. You start using the word friend and meaning it, but then feel bad. "What if they don't think we're friends? I shouldn't call them my friend." You put an extra word before friend. "This is my Twitter friend." Adding in the extra word helps you keep your distance for when the inevitable happens. You apologize for being too much, too little, not enough of XYZ. You're constantly terrified that those you've grown to care about will up and leave which makes every conversation painful. "Is this the last time we'll ever talk?"
As time goes on you find that you want people to share your life, thoughts, and days with. You want people around but the fear is too real. You know what's at the end. You try to poke even the tiniest hole in the brick wall you've built up, but the smallest amount of light cannot drive out the empty darkness in the loneliness cave you've lived in for 25 years.
That's what being lonely means to me. What does it mean to you?
-Danielle
