Selfishness: the untold story
This post is going to be a bit of a deep dive and possibly triggering as I will be talk about the abuse from my ex. Just a warning before we get into it.
Not being selfish, or being self-less I should say, is something we learn at a very young age. In pre-school and kindergarten, you're taught to share your toys. If you have siblings or other people you've grown up with, it's the same thing. If something is yours, your parents and caregivers teach you that "sharing is caring". Sounds simple enough, right? Then why, as adults, is it so hard to remain self-less and caring?
The word itself is a hot-button for me as it was used by my ex very frequently as a form of punishment. If I did anything for myself, I was selfish. If I wanted $20 to go get a haircut, that was $20 out of his drinking money (from my paycheck, mind you), so I was selfish. I'm going to talk about one specific incident here so, again, trigger warning...
On January 16, 2015, I met my ex at a bar that he'd been drinking at all day with his dad and we went to pick up our cat (she had been staying with his mom because we were having heating issues). He was very visibly drunk and I knew I was in for a long night. On the way back to our apartment after getting her, he kept trying to take her out of her carrier. I was worried we wouldn't get her back in and then we'd get home and she'd jump out of the car (a reasonable concern). So I kept asking him to stop. He eventually got upset and started yelling at me as I continued to drive us home.
When we finally got there, got her inside and settled... the fun began. He began to scream at me and call me selfish. There was no basis for it other than I wouldn't let him do what he wanted to do. He was blacked-out drunk. It got to the point that I was sitting on the floor of the living room crying, not even saying a word, while he sat on the couch and just screamed at me. Then he began throwing things at me. Each time he threw something, he screamed, "You're selfish!" The last thing he threw I didn't see because it came right at my face. I bent my head down and felt something hit the top of my head. Instinctively, I grabbed my head where it hit... and my hand was covered in blood.
I cried, "Stop it! I'm bleeding! My head is bleeding!" The response I got was to "go take a shower."
I got myself up, managed to get to the car, and drove myself to the hospital. It was January in Massachusetts, around maybe 7 or 8 at night (possibly later), and I went out in a tank top and pajama pants because I couldn't even think. I just knew I needed to get to the hospital. Thankfully, we lived not far from one, but I was shaking head to toe when I walked in the door. A combination of the cold and shock... I was done.
By the look on the face of the woman running the check-in desk, I assumed I looked like something out of a horror movie. They took me right in, gave me a washcloth to clean up, and began asking me questions. I swore that if anything like this ever happened that I would stand up for myself, but in that moment... I lied. I covered for him and lied to the doctors and nurses. I told them that I was having a panic attack and must have passed out and hit my head. To this day, it is one of my biggest regrets.
I ended up with 2 staples in my head, a scar that I absentmindedly touch every now and then, and a complete loss of self-respect. This was 3 years before I actually left, but it was the moment that I knew I needed to.
So what does any of this have to do with being selfish? Well, the word itself is triggering for me. If someone calls me selfish, I flinch... for a couple of reasons. First off, I try to live my life selflessly and always put others before myself. I want to do good in the world and help those I care about. Secondly, I connect that word with that night. Hearing it over and over again as random objects are flying in your direction is, well... it's going to have a lasting impact.
Every day I see people being selfish and only having their own interests in mind. Whether it's something as simple as not giving up their seat on the train or something bigger, people everywhere are selfish. Now, there are obviously times when it's perfectly ok to be. Some may say that I was selfish in leaving my marriage because I was putting myself first. Those people would be true. I lived far too many years putting someone else's needs above my own... someone who never repaid the favor... so, yes, leaving my marriage was my own selfishness at play.
But I'm talking about people who are perpetually selfish and don't see it. People who don't see themselves as selfish but every action they take contradicts that. I could never imagine putting my own self-interests ahead of helping a friend in need... but maybe that's just me.
It doesn't take much to show another person that you care. It doesn't take much to put others needs ahead of your own. Hold a door for someone, give up your seat on the train, offer to buy someone's coffee... small gestures can lead others to pay it forward. Just imagine if every single person did one selfless thing each day and those people then paid it forward... what a world we'd be living in.
- Danielle
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| From Merriam-Webster |
Not being selfish, or being self-less I should say, is something we learn at a very young age. In pre-school and kindergarten, you're taught to share your toys. If you have siblings or other people you've grown up with, it's the same thing. If something is yours, your parents and caregivers teach you that "sharing is caring". Sounds simple enough, right? Then why, as adults, is it so hard to remain self-less and caring?
The word itself is a hot-button for me as it was used by my ex very frequently as a form of punishment. If I did anything for myself, I was selfish. If I wanted $20 to go get a haircut, that was $20 out of his drinking money (from my paycheck, mind you), so I was selfish. I'm going to talk about one specific incident here so, again, trigger warning...
On January 16, 2015, I met my ex at a bar that he'd been drinking at all day with his dad and we went to pick up our cat (she had been staying with his mom because we were having heating issues). He was very visibly drunk and I knew I was in for a long night. On the way back to our apartment after getting her, he kept trying to take her out of her carrier. I was worried we wouldn't get her back in and then we'd get home and she'd jump out of the car (a reasonable concern). So I kept asking him to stop. He eventually got upset and started yelling at me as I continued to drive us home.
When we finally got there, got her inside and settled... the fun began. He began to scream at me and call me selfish. There was no basis for it other than I wouldn't let him do what he wanted to do. He was blacked-out drunk. It got to the point that I was sitting on the floor of the living room crying, not even saying a word, while he sat on the couch and just screamed at me. Then he began throwing things at me. Each time he threw something, he screamed, "You're selfish!" The last thing he threw I didn't see because it came right at my face. I bent my head down and felt something hit the top of my head. Instinctively, I grabbed my head where it hit... and my hand was covered in blood.
I cried, "Stop it! I'm bleeding! My head is bleeding!" The response I got was to "go take a shower."
I got myself up, managed to get to the car, and drove myself to the hospital. It was January in Massachusetts, around maybe 7 or 8 at night (possibly later), and I went out in a tank top and pajama pants because I couldn't even think. I just knew I needed to get to the hospital. Thankfully, we lived not far from one, but I was shaking head to toe when I walked in the door. A combination of the cold and shock... I was done.
By the look on the face of the woman running the check-in desk, I assumed I looked like something out of a horror movie. They took me right in, gave me a washcloth to clean up, and began asking me questions. I swore that if anything like this ever happened that I would stand up for myself, but in that moment... I lied. I covered for him and lied to the doctors and nurses. I told them that I was having a panic attack and must have passed out and hit my head. To this day, it is one of my biggest regrets.
I ended up with 2 staples in my head, a scar that I absentmindedly touch every now and then, and a complete loss of self-respect. This was 3 years before I actually left, but it was the moment that I knew I needed to.
So what does any of this have to do with being selfish? Well, the word itself is triggering for me. If someone calls me selfish, I flinch... for a couple of reasons. First off, I try to live my life selflessly and always put others before myself. I want to do good in the world and help those I care about. Secondly, I connect that word with that night. Hearing it over and over again as random objects are flying in your direction is, well... it's going to have a lasting impact.
Every day I see people being selfish and only having their own interests in mind. Whether it's something as simple as not giving up their seat on the train or something bigger, people everywhere are selfish. Now, there are obviously times when it's perfectly ok to be. Some may say that I was selfish in leaving my marriage because I was putting myself first. Those people would be true. I lived far too many years putting someone else's needs above my own... someone who never repaid the favor... so, yes, leaving my marriage was my own selfishness at play.
But I'm talking about people who are perpetually selfish and don't see it. People who don't see themselves as selfish but every action they take contradicts that. I could never imagine putting my own self-interests ahead of helping a friend in need... but maybe that's just me.
It doesn't take much to show another person that you care. It doesn't take much to put others needs ahead of your own. Hold a door for someone, give up your seat on the train, offer to buy someone's coffee... small gestures can lead others to pay it forward. Just imagine if every single person did one selfless thing each day and those people then paid it forward... what a world we'd be living in.
- Danielle
