Time
Time is such a weird concept right now. Many people I know are staying up late (either due to anxiety or something else completely) and then sleeping during the day. Days blend together so that the "weekend" is merely a concept instead of something to look forward to. For me, I only know Monday-Friday because I have an alarm that goes off reminding me that I need to work. They say to take things one day at a time when you're struggling... but I find living hour to hour is much easier.
But in terms of time, it isn't even the time that's passing now that's affecting me, but time long gone. I've always felt that I have these chunks of lost years, so to speak, and now that time is coming back to haunt me...
As a teenager, there were issues in my house. I call the ages of 13-22 the "dark years" because I didn't have a good life. Before I went to college, I would spend every day that I didn't have an activity (play rehearsal, show choir, etc) at home... alone. I had friends but without money or a car of my own, I was a hindrance to them. People would often make plans that didn't include me. My mother and the boyfriend spent most nights out drinking. So, teenage Danielle spent a lot of time alone.
Fast forward to college and not much changed really. I didn't have many friends in school and really spent most of my time by myself. The only difference was that I could come and go as I pleased, really, because I had some money of my own. It wasn't as constricting as it was in high school.
Post college, well... we know that story.
So here I am now, a few weeks away from turning 36, and I'd been starting to feel as if the last 20 years never happened. Home alone with nothing but the television to entertain me? It was really starting to feel not so different. Which resulted in me turning to old coping mechanisms... the bad ones. I was feeling like teenage Danielle all over again... and that scared me.
I'm smarter than that. I'm stronger than that. I didn't fight through the last 10 years to go back 20, but it took me reminding myself of that to actually snap out of it. I had to remind myself of just how far I've come and the person I am today. I'm not that girl anymore. I am this woman here and now. The one who packed up her life and moved to a city of millions where she knew no one because she needed to start over. This is me.
Time plays tricks on us. Our minds play tricks on us. All we can do is just try to survive each day. Cope how you need to (if it's healthy and productive), but survive. Live. Be the person that you know you are deep down. Your future self will thank you and others may appreciate it more.
- Danielle
But in terms of time, it isn't even the time that's passing now that's affecting me, but time long gone. I've always felt that I have these chunks of lost years, so to speak, and now that time is coming back to haunt me...
As a teenager, there were issues in my house. I call the ages of 13-22 the "dark years" because I didn't have a good life. Before I went to college, I would spend every day that I didn't have an activity (play rehearsal, show choir, etc) at home... alone. I had friends but without money or a car of my own, I was a hindrance to them. People would often make plans that didn't include me. My mother and the boyfriend spent most nights out drinking. So, teenage Danielle spent a lot of time alone.
Fast forward to college and not much changed really. I didn't have many friends in school and really spent most of my time by myself. The only difference was that I could come and go as I pleased, really, because I had some money of my own. It wasn't as constricting as it was in high school.
Post college, well... we know that story.
So here I am now, a few weeks away from turning 36, and I'd been starting to feel as if the last 20 years never happened. Home alone with nothing but the television to entertain me? It was really starting to feel not so different. Which resulted in me turning to old coping mechanisms... the bad ones. I was feeling like teenage Danielle all over again... and that scared me.
I'm smarter than that. I'm stronger than that. I didn't fight through the last 10 years to go back 20, but it took me reminding myself of that to actually snap out of it. I had to remind myself of just how far I've come and the person I am today. I'm not that girl anymore. I am this woman here and now. The one who packed up her life and moved to a city of millions where she knew no one because she needed to start over. This is me.
Time plays tricks on us. Our minds play tricks on us. All we can do is just try to survive each day. Cope how you need to (if it's healthy and productive), but survive. Live. Be the person that you know you are deep down. Your future self will thank you and others may appreciate it more.
- Danielle
