Pandemic birthday "fun"
Well, it's official... I am now 36. I am in my late 30s... 4 years away from 40. That alone would be enough to make anyone scared of their birthday! I went into this birthday very weary. Not just because of ::gestures wildly:: but because my birthdays are always disastrous. To say that yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions is the understatement of the year.
Right at midnight, 3 friends texted me, others tweeted, and 1 friend called. None of these people live in the same time zone as me so the effort that it took to remember what time it was, honestly, meant a lot and made me laugh. I thought, "ok, if this is how the day goes then maybe it won't be so terrible."
I woke up to even more messages and tweets and whatnot from people. I'm never sure if people are saying happy birthday because I told them it was my birthday, or because they truly care... but I was trying my best to lean towards the "they actually care" part of my brain. I had birthday cake for breakfast (because why not!) and really was beginning to think the day would go off without a hitch.
Enter the 3 o'clock mood slump...
Every single day of the last 2 months, right around 2 or 3 I hit this wall and just collapse. My mood changes and it feels like the weight of everything is sitting on my shoulders. Sometimes it's only for an hour or 2, sometimes it's for the rest of the day. Well, yesterday it hit me so hard that I completely crumpled and ended up crying for about 30 minutes straight. One of those really long, sobbing cries... you know the kind. You cry with your whole body and feel it everywhere.
Now, you may be asking yourself, "Danielle, what could possibly have been so bad that you cried that hard?" Honestly, I think it was a lot of things but really the main part of it is... I'm lonely. Yes, I'm lonely every day, but on my birthday? Oof! It was bad. It's been more than 2 months since I've even been in the same room as another human being. That's hard. My cat only hugs and listens to me on his terms.
Thankfully, the day did take a turn for the better after my cry-fest and I was able to end it on a high note. It feels like the whole day was a metaphor for my life really. You start with low expectations, have some highs and lows, and then end with positivity. Isn't that how I approach life in general? You take the things you're grateful for, let those outweigh the bad, and try your best to keep going. It's all we can do... especially now.
If you're reading this, chances are that you impacted my birthday in some way so to that I say... THANK YOU. It's very easy to feel alone in the world when you never leave the walls that surround you. Knowing that there are people who really do care in all corners of the world means more than I could ever express in words.
- Danielle
