In the eye of a hurricane...
Yes I'm about to write another "this thing in Hamilton made me think about my life" post. So sue me! My stepsister the other day called me "obsessed" but that's what people are going to say when they don't understand how much something has impacted your life. I wouldn't be who I am without Hamilton and there are so many things I come across (even now, years later) that make me think about everything I've been through in my life.
I've now watched the HamilFilm 10 times and the song that strikes me more and more on each watch is Hurricane. As far as I'm concerned, this is the most underrated song in the whole damn show. Not only is it just a beautiful song (thanks Lin), but we're seeing the inner workings of Hamilton's brain... just laid out, right there for all of us to see.
Why does this strike me so much? Well, it's simple really...
When you've been through a lot in your life, your mind is never at rest. Memories of the things you've been through, people you've met, things you've said all swirl around constantly. It can be hard to differentiate one thing from another. Memories mix together, they overlap, and sometimes trying to think straight and rationalize things can really be a jarring task.
For me, if I have a big decision to make or I'm trying to work out a problem, I need to write. I need to sit with my journal and just write out whatever is swirling around in my brain until I get to the root of the problem. In a way, it's always been that way for me. Sometimes a journal entry will only be a page because I was able to figure it out super fast... other times it can take several pages before I get there. I've also been know to ramble to friends until conclusions come, but those occurrences are few and far between because no one needs to see the inner workings of my brain.
In order to work out whatever is bothering me, I need to write. It's weird to say I've always been a writer, but I suppose it's true in its own right. Writing helps me break down barriers that prevent me from confronting whatever I need to in order to solve a problem. When the swirling becomes unbearable, I pick up a pen or I open the computer... whatever I can do to help calm the storm.
Yes, Hamilton survived a literal hurricane, but it's the metaphorical one that he fought through his entire life that's more important. The inner storm within himself that he couldn't outrun. This is why Hurricane hits me so hard because I'm the same way.
"Why do you write like you're running out of time?"
So many friends made this joke to me after I finished the first draft of my book, but it's true. When you've been fighting your whole life to get out of the center of the storm, you do everything at double speed... whatever you have to do in order to survive another day. But the truth is, you never leave the eye of the storm because you can't outrun what exists inside you. Sure, you can change and adapt and make yourself a better person in spite of what you've been through, but it always lives inside of you... it's always going to be there.
Every day is a struggle for me. Every day I'm fighting a battle to overcome my past while learning how to live now and accept what I've been through. But the storm inside is always brewing, always swirling, keeping me in constant motion. Maybe someday I'll learn how to be at rest. Maybe someday I'll be able to do just 1 thing at a time instead of 5. Maybe someday I really will get out of the eye of the hurricane and find peace within myself. Until that day comes, I just have to keep moving.
- Danielle
