Hitting the wall
I don’t know about you, but over the last couple of weeks I’ve just been feeling completely drained. It feels like all of my energy has been sucked out of me and all that’s left is a heaping pile of emotions. I know I’m not the only one feeling this. Every day I see new articles about how people seemed to just be burnt out. It’s not hard to see why. We’re been living through this pandemic for almost a year now and while we have a vaccine, nothing has really changed. Whenever I leave my apartment (which isn’t often), I still see people either not wearing masks or wearing them incorrectly. You’d think after a year things would have begun to sunk in, but I guess that was just wishful thinking.
I saw this yesterday and it seems to encapsulate everything I’m feeling right now…
It wasn’t until I read it a few times that it really sank in. I, like so many others, have been secluded from everything and everyone for almost a year now. It’s exhausting. We try to do what we can by protecting ourselves and others when we go out only to have those others not do the same in return. It’s like you’re on a sinking boat and while you’re trying to get the water out the other passenger is drilling holes. No matter how much water you scoop out, the boat just keeps filling up and eventually… you drown.
I think we’ve all hit that proverbial wall where you just don’t feel like you can go on for another day. I love my apartment, but what I wouldn’t give to get out of here for just 24 hours. What I wouldn’t give to leave New York for a weekend and see someone other than my cats. What I wouldn’t give for some sense of normalcy.
But what is normal anymore anyway?
We’ve been living this life for almost a year. Those of us who have actually isolated and stayed away from people are in the same place they were when this started. This already was the “new normal” so… what would normalcy even be anymore? I have a picture in my head of what life was like a year ago and it’s me going to shows with friends and eating out at diners or just sitting in the park and people watching. It’s weird to think how simple decisions were before when nothing really needed planning. If you wanted to go out, you went out. Maybe it’s that lack of options that has me just feeling like, well…like I don’t know how much more I can take.
Over the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed myself pulling away from people because I don’t want to pull them into my drama and also because I know so many people are feeling exactly what I’m feeling. I’ve been sleeping more but not in the good sense. I’ve been sleeping more in the sense that I see that it’s 2 in the afternoon and figure I should get out of bed eventually. I’ve been sleeping more in the sense that I’m depressed. It’s as simple as that. And I’m depressed because I’m burnt out and exhausted.
I wish a had a positive spin to put on this. I really do. But after 11 months it’s getting harder and harder to find it. It’s getting harder and harder to find reasons to get out of bed each day. Instead of some fake burst of positivity, I’ll leave you with this…
If you feel drained, exhausted, or just plain done with everything…
I SEE YOU!
I am you.
I get it.
- Danielle
