Real talk
Everything I write is real and I try not to hold back. I want to tell my thoughts in a way that paints a story for the person reading it. If that helps someone come to terms with their own thoughts, then even better. But what kind of story am I painting? Will there be a happy ending?
I've been very frank about my mental health history, or at least tried to be. This last year has been a struggle. New city, new friends (eventually), new experiences... new is scary. You never know if you'll succeed when jumping into something new. You never know if you'll be letting people down if you fail. The fear of failure is enough to make anyone crack. I tend to carry around a very hard shell, but the cracks are definitely visible.
There have been many times in my life where I've wanted to give up... and many times that I did. Cutting, suicide attempts, hospitalizations... that's all part of my story. I've always been open about these things, but still keep my most inner thoughts to myself. "Why would anyone care? Everyone has their own shit. They don't need to be worrying about me." But eventually all the stuff you're bottling up overflows, spills over, and floods the room. You're drowning.
Last night, for the 2nd time in 3 months, I called the suicide hotline. Was I suicidal? No... not really. I was just feeling... invisible. I felt as though no one would notice if I just disappeared. I thought "eventually someone will catch on, but there's no one around right now" and fell into a deep dark hole. Instead of doing something rash, I reached out. I simply didn't know what else to do. I was at the end of the rope and needed someone to let me know that there was still some slack.
I'll be honest here, the 2 times I've called the suicide hotline I felt worse when getting off the phone. They have time limits on their calls so when it gets to a certain point, they cut you off. While it's understandable why that happens, for someone who feels invisible and alone, it really just digs the knife deeper.
Now this is not me saying that you shouldn't reach out if you need the help. If you're feeling down at all, you should talk to someone... anyone. People may not always know what to say or have the right combination of words that you're looking for, but even the smallest response can change things around in a way that you weren't expecting.
- Danielle
I've been very frank about my mental health history, or at least tried to be. This last year has been a struggle. New city, new friends (eventually), new experiences... new is scary. You never know if you'll succeed when jumping into something new. You never know if you'll be letting people down if you fail. The fear of failure is enough to make anyone crack. I tend to carry around a very hard shell, but the cracks are definitely visible.
There have been many times in my life where I've wanted to give up... and many times that I did. Cutting, suicide attempts, hospitalizations... that's all part of my story. I've always been open about these things, but still keep my most inner thoughts to myself. "Why would anyone care? Everyone has their own shit. They don't need to be worrying about me." But eventually all the stuff you're bottling up overflows, spills over, and floods the room. You're drowning.
Last night, for the 2nd time in 3 months, I called the suicide hotline. Was I suicidal? No... not really. I was just feeling... invisible. I felt as though no one would notice if I just disappeared. I thought "eventually someone will catch on, but there's no one around right now" and fell into a deep dark hole. Instead of doing something rash, I reached out. I simply didn't know what else to do. I was at the end of the rope and needed someone to let me know that there was still some slack.
I'll be honest here, the 2 times I've called the suicide hotline I felt worse when getting off the phone. They have time limits on their calls so when it gets to a certain point, they cut you off. While it's understandable why that happens, for someone who feels invisible and alone, it really just digs the knife deeper.
Now this is not me saying that you shouldn't reach out if you need the help. If you're feeling down at all, you should talk to someone... anyone. People may not always know what to say or have the right combination of words that you're looking for, but even the smallest response can change things around in a way that you weren't expecting.
- Danielle
