Abuse: the legal drug
It's not always bruises and black eyes. It's not always broken bones and visible scars. This is what TV shows and movies have made us to believe that abuse looks like. Yes, it absolutely includes those things. Yes, people who deal with physical abuse live in fear for their lives every day... always terrified of what their abuser will do next. But the subtlety of emotional abuse is much, much more than that.
It's the endless cycle of insult, apology, insult, apology. It's when you apologize for being in the way, for speaking, for simply being. It's when you lie to friends and family to cover up for them... telling everyone that everything is fine, making excuse after excuse until you've run out of things to say. It's constantly seeking approval from someone who will never approve of anything you do.
You get torn down until you're nothing but a thin shell ready to shatter at any moment. Everything is taken away from you and all you have is the person who hollowed you out. You seek their approval because no one else is around. You would do anything to make that person happy, even if it compromises your self-worth.
You know that things are bad and that your life is in danger, but you can't leave. You're terrified of what your life will be like without that person. Something happens and you say, "that's it... I'm done," only to get pulled back in. Every step you take forward for yourself, your abuser pulls you back 10. You're made to feel that everything you say and do is wrong... so you stop talking.
When does it end? When do you get the power back? Your abuser has every ounce of power as long as they have control over your mind... just like a drug. You leave, but those internal invisible scars stay with you. You carry them every day of your life. People tell you how strong you are for taking your life back... that you're a "survivor" but you don't believe them. They don't know the horror that still lives in your head. They don't understand that at any moment something completely random and unrelated could trigger you into a panic attack.
And when that happens...
Darkness. Pure enveloping darkness. You know you're safe, but your mind tells you otherwise. You can't breath. You're drowning in memories of something that once was but no longer exists... because the truth is that it does exist. It exists in your mind. That's the power of emotional abuse. It runs deep... like a cavern in your mind with deep crevices, each one hiding a past terror ready to jump out at any moment.
You can run. You can change your life. You can make every change possible to make yourself happy... but how do you heal from something when you're still in constant fear of it? Does it fade over time? I still have visible scars from when I was a kid. The invisible ones last longer.
When are we ever truly ok? Or, like a recovering addict introducing themselves 30 years later as an addict, will we always identify as a "survivor"?
- Danielle
It's the endless cycle of insult, apology, insult, apology. It's when you apologize for being in the way, for speaking, for simply being. It's when you lie to friends and family to cover up for them... telling everyone that everything is fine, making excuse after excuse until you've run out of things to say. It's constantly seeking approval from someone who will never approve of anything you do.
You get torn down until you're nothing but a thin shell ready to shatter at any moment. Everything is taken away from you and all you have is the person who hollowed you out. You seek their approval because no one else is around. You would do anything to make that person happy, even if it compromises your self-worth.
Your abuser becomes your addiction.
You know that things are bad and that your life is in danger, but you can't leave. You're terrified of what your life will be like without that person. Something happens and you say, "that's it... I'm done," only to get pulled back in. Every step you take forward for yourself, your abuser pulls you back 10. You're made to feel that everything you say and do is wrong... so you stop talking.
When does it end? When do you get the power back? Your abuser has every ounce of power as long as they have control over your mind... just like a drug. You leave, but those internal invisible scars stay with you. You carry them every day of your life. People tell you how strong you are for taking your life back... that you're a "survivor" but you don't believe them. They don't know the horror that still lives in your head. They don't understand that at any moment something completely random and unrelated could trigger you into a panic attack.
And when that happens...
Darkness. Pure enveloping darkness. You know you're safe, but your mind tells you otherwise. You can't breath. You're drowning in memories of something that once was but no longer exists... because the truth is that it does exist. It exists in your mind. That's the power of emotional abuse. It runs deep... like a cavern in your mind with deep crevices, each one hiding a past terror ready to jump out at any moment.
You can run. You can change your life. You can make every change possible to make yourself happy... but how do you heal from something when you're still in constant fear of it? Does it fade over time? I still have visible scars from when I was a kid. The invisible ones last longer.
When are we ever truly ok? Or, like a recovering addict introducing themselves 30 years later as an addict, will we always identify as a "survivor"?
- Danielle
