What is gaslighting?

This term is thrown around a lot, but what does it actually mean. Well, let's start at the beginning.

The term "gaslighting" actually comes from a play called, you guessed it, Gas Light. In the play, the husband periodically turns down the gas lamps on the stage and when the wife comments on it he tells her that she's crazy. It's as simple as that.

Let's paint a picture:

Imagine you are in a park. Green grass, blue sky, birds flying overhead. You comment on the blue of the sky. The person with you says, "The sky isn't blue. It's purple." Such a silly throwaway comment that you ignore it. The next day, you're outside again and comment on the sky. Again, the person says, "What are you talking about? The sky is purple." This repeats every day until you don't believe your own eyes telling you the sky is blue and you start to tell people that it is, in fact, purple.

That is gaslighting.

For years I thought I was going crazy. Things I said twisted around so that I never said them... memories of things not as they seemed. I thought it was me. I thought there was something wrong with me. I started making lists... trying to remember what was said, what happened, recount each day. I was having gaps in my memory and couldn't pinpoint why. Could I really be crazy? Am I sick? Is there something the matter with me? For all I knew, I had a brain tumor that was affecting my memory. But why?

Gaslighting. That's why. That was the reason for everything I just didn't know it until months after I had left. A perfect example of what I mean:

Early on (within the first year), the ex and I were on a trip. Now, I have to preface this by saying there was another girl in the picture as well. That's an extremely long story, but for the purposes of this all you need to know is that her name started with a K... let's just call her Kathy. It also needs to be told that, at the time, I thought I couldn't have caffeine. I thought it made me jumpy... made me crazy... but in fact there were many other forces that were causing my behavior. Caffeine was not the culprit.

::pours another cup of coffee:: 

On the last night of our trip, we were hanging out in the hotel room drinking rum and Coke. Nothing fancy, but damn does it taste good. On the ride home the next day, I started feeling off. It's possible that there was a fight coming and I sensed it, it's possible something else was going on. Honestly, the details are hazy at this point. He made a comment about my behavior and I was about to say, "It's the caffeine," but he cut me off... he cut me off at the "C" sound and said, "Don't make this about Kathy!" When I tried to say that I wasn't mentioning her, but was going to say it was the Coke, he told me that I was just "changing" what I said because he was calling me out on it. I started to 2nd guess myself, but knew that I was right in the end.

That was at the beginning. After many years of that, it took a toll and I could no longer believe my own thoughts. Any time he said I was "changing" my words, I believed him. It had to be true, right? I mean, everything I said was a mess and he was always right, so I had to be in the wrong.

These were common thoughts. 

What's right? What's wrong? What actually happened? Why did that fight start? Did I start it? 

Did I do something wrong?

That's the big piece of the puzzle. If I didn't do something wrong, why do I believe that I did? Because someone that I trusted told me that I did.

Anyone can gaslight anyone else. It does not have to be in an intimate relationship, though that is where the majority of it takes place. Your defenses get broken down. You begin to question everything... even something as simple as what you had for breakfast. "Did I really eat that or do I only think that I did?" It's terrifying, really, because you can't trust your own mind. It's been corrupted. In a way, it's essentially brainwashing. You're made to believe, over time, that everything you say is wrong. Or better yet, that you said and did things you never would. 

Imagine when you wake up after a long night of drinking and you have to piece the events back together. You rely on the people you were with to fill in the blanks. Usually fairly harmless if you trust the people you were with. Now, imagine that's your life every single day. You wake up with memories of what you think happened but then someone you trust tells you the exact opposite. Gaslighting.

So how do we recover from this? I'll be honest, 2 years later and I still am. It takes time. You have to rewire your brain to trust itself again. It's hard... really hard... especially when the other person's voice pops up as your internal critic. You just have to keep working at it, keep trying, and know that in time it'll get better. For me it's been a rough 2 years and in the last few months I've noticed memories surfacing... things I had repressed coming back to the surface. I think this is my mind's way of not just reminding me what happened (thanks PTSD) but filling in those blanks of what really happened. 

It's not fun and I've had a few panic attacks, but I think this is the way to real healing. My brain is working these things out so that I can move past them. If that means randomly telling someone a difficult story, then that's what I need to do. 

I'm the one in control of the gas lamps now.

- Danielle