How can you grieve something without a name?
I was only 10 weeks along... that's not a lot. I heard a heartbeat on an ultrasound, but I wasn't far enough along to know the baby's gender. We had 2 names picked out... after much debate... just so that we'd cover all out bases.
If a girl?
Madeline Alexandra
If a boy?
Alexander Benjamin
See, we both had Alexanders in our family so a variation of that name was important. My great great great grandfather's name was Alexander. The Madeline is after my aunt and the Benjamin was my grandfather's middle name.
Nicknames? Of course! Maddy and Xander. We had it all planned out... but it never happened.
I've had people ask me why I only ever say "my baby" or "the baby" and never refer to he/she by name. Well, the answer is easy... I don't want to use a name without knowing what the gender actually was. That makes grieving really hard. How can you grieve something without a name?
But here's the thing...
In my heart, still to this day, I've always felt it was a boy. I don't know if it's a connection to the name or just a gut feeling... but that's what I've always felt. So, I've made a decision to fully use the name from this point forward. Is that wrong? I don't know, but what's right anymore.
If a girl?
Madeline Alexandra
If a boy?
Alexander Benjamin
See, we both had Alexanders in our family so a variation of that name was important. My great great great grandfather's name was Alexander. The Madeline is after my aunt and the Benjamin was my grandfather's middle name.
Nicknames? Of course! Maddy and Xander. We had it all planned out... but it never happened.
I've had people ask me why I only ever say "my baby" or "the baby" and never refer to he/she by name. Well, the answer is easy... I don't want to use a name without knowing what the gender actually was. That makes grieving really hard. How can you grieve something without a name?
But here's the thing...
In my heart, still to this day, I've always felt it was a boy. I don't know if it's a connection to the name or just a gut feeling... but that's what I've always felt. So, I've made a decision to fully use the name from this point forward. Is that wrong? I don't know, but what's right anymore.
Alexander "Xander" Benjamin
Maybe using the name will help me, maybe it'll hurt the healing process and I'll never use it again after tonight. There's really no way to know. But for now, that's all I've got.
- Danielle
