Waving through a window...
Today started my 2nd full week of being home during this crisis. Days have been varying, to say the least. There are moments where I forget, just briefly, what's happening... but it doesn't last. Some days I wake up and don't feel so depressed, whereas other days I can't get myself out of bed. I've cried, I've screamed, I've laughed... it's definitely an emotional rollercoaster.
In talking with someone this afternoon, a revelation dawned on me. You know how sometimes you say something and then just ::ding:: lightbulb? Well that's exactly what happened.
I was telling my friend how I had to close all of my windows because it was getting cold (and snowing!) and how much that bummed me out. Anyone that knows me knows that I like fresh air, especially when I'm sleeping. I find comfort in it and it wasn't until this conversation that I realized why...
I've been open about my mental health issues and my past. I feel like I've been fairly transparent so I have no issue in saying this. I have been hospitalized 6 times... 3 times as a teenager and 3 times as an adult. When you're hospitalized for psychiatric reasons, you are on lockdown. Doors? Locked (usually multiple ones to get onto the ward). Windows? Locked. Bathrooms? Locked. Every precaution is taken to ensure the safety of the patients and others. The thing is, when you're in there, you tend to forget about the outside world. If you can see out the windows, you just ignore them. Fresh air becomes a joke (though some hospitals may allow privileges to a secure outside patio). Your entire life is inside those walls.
The last time I was hospitalized was January 2016. Each time I've gone in has really been for different reasons, but mostly because I didn't trust myself to feel or be safe. "Lock me up and don't let me do anything" was usually my mentality. My longest stay was 10 days. Today is day 10 of being home. Something about that just clicked in my brain and now I really get why I've been so upset... and why I need my open windows.
Being cut off from everyone and everything reminds me of being in the hospital. Having the windows open, even just a little bit, tells me that I'm not. Just that one small thing is enough to remind myself that I'm safe here... that I'm ok. Another reason why I've also been going to my roof so much. But also, I mean... wouldn't you?
But honestly...
This time is scary and every day we have no idea what's happening or going to happen. Anything we can find to cheer us up or bring some kind of comfort is something worth holding onto. For me it's open windows and fresh air. For someone else it could be something entirely different. Focus on those things that comfort you right now. It's all we've got.
- Danielle
