Silence is not golden
**trigger warning: this post will contain sensitive topics such as sexual assault and abuse**
As my mind continues to heal from the trauma that was my marriage, I'm finding that I'm more sensitive to things that happen to me or around me. A couple fighting, for example, may make me perk up my ears a bit more. Not in a "ooooo, what are they fighting about?" kind of way, but more a hyper-aware, hyper-sensitive to what could happen kind of way.
Something happened recently that brought up some memories and made me uncomfortable in the process. Inappropriate things were said to me and while I ignored them at the time, it kept eating away at me. Why? Why did this person's words have such an affect on me? Well, this is why...
Long before I met the ex, before I had any idea of how bad someone could really treat you, I was just your typical 21-year-old out for a night with some coworkers. Had a few drinks, went back to the apartment of one of the girls I was with, had a few more drinks... and then I was raped by her roommate. The details of what happened are not important. The guilt and shame I felt are. This happened in August 2005 and now, almost 15 years later, I still carry a lot of the blame from that night. Yes, I was drunk. Yes, I moved away. However, I knew I had worn a certain shirt that night to get noticed... and I was.
Now, I'm a very busty woman. I developed at a young age, I come from a long line of busty women... it happens. I've always disliked them. Unwanted stares, unwanted attention... nothing but trouble really. Having large breasts makes you self-conscious of the things you wear. What would be a regular shirt on a smaller breasted woman, becomes cleavage city on you. That was the case that night.
The ex also had his own special appreciation for them as well. Many times I did not have a name and was "jokingly" referred to as "boobies". Staring at them to pretend like he wasn't listening to me talk, drooling emojis in texts... all harmless really, but when it happens all day, every day, over the course of 9 years... especially when you're already uncomfortable with yourself... it makes you want to just live in baggy hoodies and call it a day.
Everything with my ex was sexual. It was impossible to have a conversation that did not end up in some kind of innuendo... whether it made sense or not. I was called a "prude" and "uptight" and so on for not giving in to all of it. You'd think that eventually I would just get used to it, but in all honesty it just made me pull away from him more as the years went on. When you're sick with the flu and someone makes you feel bad for not wanting to have sex, why would you want to have sex with them when you're healthy? You'd think that would be a simple concept.
So when this thing happened, it was like a lifetime's worth of memories came flooding back. Once again, Danielle is the girl with the boobs and is only recognizable because of that. I didn't say anything at first and truly wanted to forget about it. But why? Why should I stay silent on something that made me feel uncomfortable? I didn't do anything wrong. So I spoke up. I reached out to a trusted person, explained what happened, and felt heard and comforted.
As children, girls are taught to act a certain way. Whenever there's a story about a campus rape, it's always about the guy's reputation and never about the girl or her life after the trauma. We live in a society that allows and even condones this behavior, to an extent. It's never ok. Whether it's words or actions, it's not ok.
Consent.
1 word, 7 letters. Very simple. I did not ask to be raped. I did not ask to be abused. I did not ask to be spoken to like an object. In my life, I have experienced many unwanted things and most of the time you just forget about it. But if it's something that sticks with you, something that has truly hurt you or made you uncomfortable, speak up. Even if you think no one will care or wants to hear it, speak up. There will always be someone to listen.
- Danielle
As my mind continues to heal from the trauma that was my marriage, I'm finding that I'm more sensitive to things that happen to me or around me. A couple fighting, for example, may make me perk up my ears a bit more. Not in a "ooooo, what are they fighting about?" kind of way, but more a hyper-aware, hyper-sensitive to what could happen kind of way.
Something happened recently that brought up some memories and made me uncomfortable in the process. Inappropriate things were said to me and while I ignored them at the time, it kept eating away at me. Why? Why did this person's words have such an affect on me? Well, this is why...
Long before I met the ex, before I had any idea of how bad someone could really treat you, I was just your typical 21-year-old out for a night with some coworkers. Had a few drinks, went back to the apartment of one of the girls I was with, had a few more drinks... and then I was raped by her roommate. The details of what happened are not important. The guilt and shame I felt are. This happened in August 2005 and now, almost 15 years later, I still carry a lot of the blame from that night. Yes, I was drunk. Yes, I moved away. However, I knew I had worn a certain shirt that night to get noticed... and I was.
Now, I'm a very busty woman. I developed at a young age, I come from a long line of busty women... it happens. I've always disliked them. Unwanted stares, unwanted attention... nothing but trouble really. Having large breasts makes you self-conscious of the things you wear. What would be a regular shirt on a smaller breasted woman, becomes cleavage city on you. That was the case that night.
The ex also had his own special appreciation for them as well. Many times I did not have a name and was "jokingly" referred to as "boobies". Staring at them to pretend like he wasn't listening to me talk, drooling emojis in texts... all harmless really, but when it happens all day, every day, over the course of 9 years... especially when you're already uncomfortable with yourself... it makes you want to just live in baggy hoodies and call it a day.
Everything with my ex was sexual. It was impossible to have a conversation that did not end up in some kind of innuendo... whether it made sense or not. I was called a "prude" and "uptight" and so on for not giving in to all of it. You'd think that eventually I would just get used to it, but in all honesty it just made me pull away from him more as the years went on. When you're sick with the flu and someone makes you feel bad for not wanting to have sex, why would you want to have sex with them when you're healthy? You'd think that would be a simple concept.
So when this thing happened, it was like a lifetime's worth of memories came flooding back. Once again, Danielle is the girl with the boobs and is only recognizable because of that. I didn't say anything at first and truly wanted to forget about it. But why? Why should I stay silent on something that made me feel uncomfortable? I didn't do anything wrong. So I spoke up. I reached out to a trusted person, explained what happened, and felt heard and comforted.
As children, girls are taught to act a certain way. Whenever there's a story about a campus rape, it's always about the guy's reputation and never about the girl or her life after the trauma. We live in a society that allows and even condones this behavior, to an extent. It's never ok. Whether it's words or actions, it's not ok.
Consent.
1 word, 7 letters. Very simple. I did not ask to be raped. I did not ask to be abused. I did not ask to be spoken to like an object. In my life, I have experienced many unwanted things and most of the time you just forget about it. But if it's something that sticks with you, something that has truly hurt you or made you uncomfortable, speak up. Even if you think no one will care or wants to hear it, speak up. There will always be someone to listen.
- Danielle
