I never thought I'd live past twenty...

It's almost my birthday. 

Normally I would be thinking of things to do, maybe I'd have the day off of work and I'd fill it with my favorite pastimes. As has been the norm for the last 2 months, that is no longer possible. The day will pass just like any other that's been happening since mid-March. It will be no different than the day before or the day after. It will simply just... be.

Now, when you had a rocky adolescence and weren't really sure you'd make it to 18, each birthday that follows becomes important. "Wow, I made it another year!" You make it to 21, then 25, then 30 and think that maybe you really will live a full life. But when the majority of your birthdays, starting with the 21st, have been disastrous, the birthday itself starts feeling like an ominous day. "What's going to happen this year? Will I make it through the day without tears?"

That's how my birthday feels for me... like an ominous black cloud. 

My 21st birthday was, to put it mildly... absolutely horrible. My 22nd? Well, that's a story for another day but let's just say I learned the value of waterproof eye makeup that day. While those 2 are the bottom of the barrel of bad birthdays, there have been plenty more that have led to me in tears by the end of the day. It's gotten to the point where I go into my birthday simply assuming something bad will happen... and that's no way to live really. Like I said... I should be celebrating that I'm even having a birthday at all.

Now, with this ::waves hands in the air:: it becomes harder and harder to not assume that it's going to be a terrible day. There's nowhere to hide from a phone that may not ring. There's no distraction to take me away from the fact that I'll be spending it alone. So how will I get by? Honestly... I have no idea. Half of me wants to just turn my phone off that day and pretend it's not happening. But the other half? The other half wants to be seen... wants people to reach out and just say, "hey, today is your day."

I'm never one to ask for much. I rarely reach out for help when I need it. I take care of myself, take care of my things. I may ask for a pep talk or a sounding board here and there, but for the most part I don't need much from anyone. But when it comes to my birthday, because of my past, that's the one day that I want to be about me. Is that so wrong? My ex used to call me selfish and narcissistic for wanting that much. Used to say that I just "needed to be the center of attention." Interesting when you think about the type of person that he is. But I digress...

May 20th will come and go. Things that have made the day terrible in past years will not be able to affect it this year. Will that make a difference? There's no way to know. All I can do is just go about my day and hope for the best, right? It's easy to say "it will just be another day" but when it actually comes I know that's not how I'll really be feeling. Until then, however, I can't dwell on it. Whatever happens (or doesn't happen), I still made it to another birthday and, ultimately, that's the important thing.

To anyone else having a quarantine birthday, I see you.

- Danielle