Reflections
2 months... that's what today is... the 2 month mark. It's crazy when you think about it. Sometimes when I think about life before, it feels like it was years ago. As much as the self-isolation and self-quarantine sucks (A LOT), it's just become so normal. Need fresh air? Go to the roof. Need supplies? Make sure you buy enough for a couple weeks. The "new" normal is now just... normal.
This is not to say that I'm perfectly content with life... far from it (per usual). I have bad days, good days, medium days... moods change at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I think I'm much harder on myself than I need to be, as if I think people are expecting something specific from me, and on those days it can get really bad. When I'm struggling, but think that people don't want to see that side of me, I try to hold it in. Well, what happens when you put the lid on a boiling pot? Yup... eventually it's going to boil over. And when that happens? BOOM!
Today was a "boom" day. I thought I had been doing ok but something just snapped and I simply couldn't deal. Texted a couple of friends some cryptic shit, tweeted how angry I was... and then turned off my notifications for the rest of the day. I was saying to the world, "Leave me alone!" But here's the thing...
It didn't help. It didn't make me feel better. It didn't solve any problems. It wasn't even an emotional release of any kind. It was an outburst that, at the end of the day, just made me feel worse.
For the last couple of hours, as I was unable to sleep, I decided to read back through this entire blog from the beginning. I don't tend to reread things I write often, but something was telling me to... so I did. Honestly, it was so cathartic, much more than I thought it would be. Some posts I remember exactly what happened before I wrote them, others left me with certain feelings (both good and bad), some were just fun trips down memory lane. But reading through it, seeing the progression of posts and the weaving of stories, and then getting to the ones from the last 2 months, it just makes me want to do better... be better.
I'm always going to struggle. I'm always going to think I'm not good enough. I'm always going to think that people are mad at me (no matter what others say!). I can't help those things. They're just part of who I am. All I can do is try to get through each day as best I can. Not every day is going to be great... a lot of them are probably going to suck... but this all will end eventually.
Until that day comes when I can finally hug another human being, I just have to keep trying to live to the best of my ability... and I hope you are too.
- Danielle
