Wake-up call
Have you ever had one of those moments in your life when you're snapped back to reality and just think, "This isn't right? I need to stop,"? Maybe you had an addiction and one night went really badly so you seeked treatment. Maybe you had a job you hated and woke up one day to, "I'm done!" and decided it was time to finally move on. Maybe you just decided you needed to go back to school, lose weight, whatever the case may be we've all had something that made us make a decision to change the course of our lives.
I had one at 4am this morning...
To say that I haven't been eating well these last 2 months is an understatement. This is probably the worst I've ever eaten in my life, and that counts all the years I lived on take-out food. I've been binge-eating very badly to the point where I end up sick almost every day, or at least every other day. I have gastric issues so there are certain things I'm simply not supposed to eat, but always have. Unfortunately, when all you're eating is the things you're not supposed to, eventually your body is going to just give out.
What do I have? Well, I have GERD (gastroesophogeal reflux disease) and IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). So basically, my entire system is fucked from top to bottom. I'm also technically lactose intolerant, but because of the IBS pretty much everything makes me sick. Add in the amount of food I've been eating and how quickly and, well... it hasn't been fun.
GERD is more than just bad heartburn. The acid in your stomach actually bubbles up into your throat because there's too much of it for your stomach to handle. I've been having chest pains and some "acid coughs" but after a few days it goes away and I could go back to eating like crap... only for the cycle to start all over again.
**this next part may be a bit graphic so please consider this a warning**
At about 4am this morning, I woke up coughing. I felt like I was going to throw up so I ran to the bathroom. The next 10 minutes or so were filled with coughing up stomach acid that was laced with blood and coughing so hard that I started to pee (this is fairly normal for people I feel, but it's important to mention). As I'm sitting there, head in the toilet, coughing and spitting, and sitting in a pool of my own urine I realized, "This is no way to live! I need to stop this!"
I managed to stop coughing long enough to get myself cleaned up, put on some pjs, and got back into bed. Unfortunately, I couldn't lay down because I would just start coughing again. I texted a friend to tell her what happened and we talked for a bit. Then I said this...
Food as become my addiction... and my way of eating is killing me. The only way to treat an addiction is to stop the thing you're addicted to. This does not mean I'm going to stop eating (been there, done that). I just need to cut out the things making me sick and make a drastic change to the way I eat. Yes, it's going to be hard. Yes, I'm going to struggle, but I can't live like this anymore.
"And as I'm lying there wondering what happens next and I heard a voice. And it said man, this is not a way to live. This is a way to die." - 28 Days
That movie is about addiction and recovery, but it applies here as well. This requires drastic change if I want to actually live... and I do. I don't want to die.
- Danielle
