Loneliness: Part 2
It's been 3 months since I last wrote about loneliness and as much as I'd like to say it's gotten easier, the truth is... it's gotten so much worse.
3 months ago we all assumed it would only be for a couple of weeks. Then those couple of weeks turned into a month, which turned into 2... and so on. There's now a very good chance that I will be home until Labor Day. Yes things are reopening, but until it's actually safe to do so, why risk contributing to the inevitable 2nd wave? But this brings up the obvious issue...
Loneliness... pure and uninterrupted loneliness.
Yes I talk to friends a lot, FaceTime, video chat, whatever... but it's not the same as being in the same room as someone. People can send hug gifs and heart emojis, but actually being hugged by someone? I haven't hugged another person since March 10th. I haven't been in another room as someone since March 13th (unless you count my tattoo on the 14th, then it's that date).
Recently I posed a question on Twitter asking people what their situation has been like over the last 3 months. I left it up for a week, and these were the results:
As you can see, the results are really clear. The majority of people live with at least one other person... a very large majority in comparison to the other results. But even that 20% of people that have visited with someone is telling. I would love nothing more than to visit with someone or have someone over here or even go back home for a few days... just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes... but it's not possible. In order to visit with someone, I'd have to either put myself at risk or put them at risk and I'm not going to do that. If I had my own car then the situation might be a little different, but I live in New York City... it's not an option.
That means that as these months drag on, I grow further and further into isolation. My depression ebbs and flows depending on other outside factors, but at the end of the day it's still the same. These walls, this apartment everything that surrounds me, as much as I love it all, I'm growing weary of it. Sure, I can escape up to the roof for a bit, but the view doesn't change. My life only exists within this tiny little world which makes the loneliness palpable.
The longing for physical contact is like something I've never experienced before. I want a hug so badly that my heart actually aches for it. The loneliness and isolation have gone on for so long, that it's now causing me physical pain. It's not just tension in my neck and back from stress, but more a full body ache. My eyes are tired and always on the verge of tears. My heart actually physically aches when I see people gathered together. And that isn't because I'm not happy for them, but it's because I know it's going to be so much longer until I'm able to experience that myself.
I keep telling myself that I just need sleep or time away from things to feel better, but in reality what I need is human contact. I need someone to hug me, hold me tight, and tell me that everything's going to be ok. I think I've needed it for 3 months but it's just hitting me much harder right now as I see other people gathering and beginning to enjoy life again.
So, please, if you're reading this and you are in that majority of voters (or even in the 20%)... please don't forget about those of us in that 8%. It's not that we're not happy for you... we are... but the loneliness is really fucking hard some days.
If you're reading this and, like me, you live in that 8%, I can't wait for the day when we can hug once again. There will be an overflow of tears and emotions.
- DB
