Fighting fear for real change

A month ago I had a health scare and it forced me to really make some drastic changes in the way I eat. They always say the first 30 days are the hardest in any kind of dietary or exercise regime and I can say for a fact, that it's 100% true. I've had many attempts at diets and exercise programs over the years. So many in fact that I can't even name them all. It was always for vanity reasons... I wanted to be thinner. That was it. I wanted to be skinny and, for that reason, nothing ever really stuck for long.

It's interesting to think back, now, on all the different things I've tried over the years because there was also a period were I suffered horribly from an eating disorder. From August 2007 through late 2008, I barely ate at all. When I look at pictures of myself from that time period, I barely even recognize myself. Yes, I was thinner, but I wasn't healthy. I was starving myself. Any time I would eat, if I didn't really restrict myself on it, I'd binge. There was no happy medium.

For years after that, I kept trying to find other solutions to lose weight, but nothing ever worked. In the back of my mind I knew that if I restricted my diet that I'd lose weight very quickly so anything that took longer than a week was too frustrating for me to stick to. Pictures of myself over the last decade chronicle the fluctuation in my weight better than I could ever attempt to explain it.

But a month ago, as you can read in the link above, I had a real scare and knew that something needed to be done. It was no longer about losing weight or looking a certain way, this was 100% about my health and the need to keep living. So what did I do? Well, I knew that dairy was causing the most problems for me and simply needed to be eliminated. If I was starting with dairy, might as well cut out meat as well. Boom! Vegan... mostly. I've kept eggs in my diet for the time being because they're an excellent source of protein that I truly need. As I get more comfortable with cooking other forms of protein, it's possible that eggs will be eliminated as well.

Comfortable in the kitchen... that is a key point right there. For years, I never liked cooking. The kitchen was a terrible source of anxiety for me with the exception of baking. Why? Well, when you basically grow up on take-out and ready-to-eat, just add water kinds of meals, actually cooking is kind of a foreign concept. This isn't to say that I don't know how to boil water or use a knife (i.e. Worst Cooks in America style), it's just never really been a thing that's part of my routine.

When I was with my ex, he did the majority of the cooking. If I had an idea for a recipe, he'd usually be the one to tackle it. I did have my moments, though, where I thought of something and was able to execute it, but it was always met with some sarcastic comment... thus adding to my anxiety and fear. When I moved out, I tried to cook for myself, but would always hear his voice in my head mocking me. That would make anyone want to just live off of grilled cheese and cereal.

Now, though, I've been given this opportunity to not only turn my health around, but to take on that anxiety. Say, "Hey! I'm not afraid of you anymore!" ... and it's been great! I've been playing around and something things work, other times they don't, but I don't let it discourage me. My body has adjusted to life without the things I've eliminated. That was going to be the hardest part. Now I get to just have fun and create new recipes for myself while tackling that fear and anxiety.

I didn't do this to lose weight, though I'm not going to argue when it eventually happens. I did this because if I didn't, I was going to die. After my history with suicide attempts and thoughts, saying the words "I don't want to die" was enough for me to make this change. Anything else that happens is just a happy accident.

- DB