"You've always been a writer!"
After years of people telling me that I should write a book, I've finally started. It's a crazy process, really. I always thought that if I did decide to write one, it would be about my entire life and I never felt that I'd be able to actually do that. This, though... this is just about the years with my ex. At first I was worried that there wouldn't be enough to write about, but once I started I just couldn't stop.
I've talked about my history with writing before and how I struggled with it in the past. I never thought that writing about my own life in such a long form would actually come to me so easily. Will it be good? No one knows until it's done, I suppose, but the fact that I'm at least trying is enough right now. But here's the thing...
When you've been through emotional and psychological abuse, it becomes hard to not only remember things, but to actually separate real memories from fake ones. The gaslighting alone is enough to make anyone question their own memories. But then I remembered my journals... my years and years worth of writing that, if nothing else, gives me a glimpse into my own mind at certain periods of time.
That's nearly 10 year's worth of journals. There are gaps, sure, but what I have is helping to fill in those blanks. Where the blanks can't be filled in, the journals remind me of what my mental state was at the time. Maybe I didn't write about something specifically, but little words and phrases here and there are making the writing process all the more fluid.
I sent that picture to a friend the other day to which they responded, "You've always been a writer!" To hear that was kind of shocking. I never thought of myself as a writer before. Journaling was always a therapeutic tool... a coping mechanism when I had no one to talk to. The older I got, the more cohesive the writing became, but it's always just kind of been there.
And now? Now I'm writing a book? It's a crazy thought, really, but it's helping me. It's helping me to confront things that I've suppressed, to deal with things that I haven't wanted to face, and really to just truly move on once and for all. I find myself unable to sleep at night and then writing until 3 in the morning. The stories are just floating around in my head. They want to come out... this book wants to be written.
If you've ever felt like something was holding you back from accomplishing a certain task, never give up. You may not be able to tackle it right away, but when the time is right... the task that needs finishing will tell you it's time to go.
- DB
