You brought the flame, here comes the phoenix
The last week has been hard... harder than I thought it would be actually. I always act as though my past is behind me and nothing ever bothers me, but that's so far from the truth. Every day is a struggle so when my PTSD is triggered or something from my past comes back to haunt me, it's more than a struggle... it feels almost impossible to keep going.
If there's one thing I've had for myself in the last 2 years it's a voice of my own. Yes, starting a life from scratch is something to be proud of, but I wanted to do something with this new life. Having a voice that I can use to speak up not just for myself but for others has been really important to me. In the last week, I felt as if that voice was taken away from me.
How can I continue to tell my story when I'm too scared to speak out?
When you think about it, it's exactly what he wanted which has made this whole thing all the more frustrating. Why should I allow him to win and take my voice away from me? In therapy today (after ranting for a while) my therapist said, "You're not Ariel. Don't let him be Ursula." And besides the fact that my therapist used a Disney reference and I love her for that, she's beyond right about this.
Why am I giving him back the power when I fought so hard to take control for myself?
If I let fear hold me back, I'd never do anything. I was terrified of moving to NY, but I did it. I was scared I'd never make friends, but I did. These last 2 years I've been so scared of basically everything, but I never let it stop me. I've tried new things and said things to people I never thought I would... I've broken out of that shell and became the person I was meant to be. I won't allow him to take that away from me.
I always use the symbol of the lotus to describe myself. Hell, I even have a lotus tattoo... and it's definitely accurate to a point. The lotus flower can only bloom out of dark water or mud. Meaning that someone who is a lotus had to go through something dark to become the person they are. "No mud no lotus." But in ways, I also see myself as the phoenix. The phoenix lives multiple lives, burning out and turning to ash only to be reborn again and again. I've been knocked down and hit rock bottom so many times, but I always find my way to burn brighter each time I get back up.
I think both analogies are right. If I never experienced all the shit I have, I wouldn't be me... lotus. Every time I feel as if I've reached the end, I simply start again stronger... phoenix.
Does this mean I need to add a phoenix to my lotus tattoo? It's possible, but I think the point is that I know who I am. I'm proud of who I am. You can come after me and try to knock me down or silence me, but I'll just keep getting back up... I'll be reborn again and again with a stronger voice and will to survive.
- DB
