It never ends...

Whenever I think the fight is through, something else happens and reminds me that this fight never ends. Living with PTSD and navigating through trauma is a never-ending rollercoaster. One day you're up up up... and then something happens and you come hurtling back to earth.

I've had to take several steps over the last 5 days to ensure my safety and sanity. You'd think that after 2 years, I wouldn't have to anymore, but... here we are. While nothing was actually difficult, it has not be easy emotionally. I've yelled, screamed, and cried. I've ranted to my friends, my parents, my therapist... and the cat. I've had to take solace in the things that exist only to me in this life.

What do I mean by that?

When you've had your identity stripped away through abuse, you lose everything. You lose sight of any kind of person that you were. You become a shell. Over the last 2 years, I've replaced that shell with an actual living, breathing, thinking person who has her own likes and personality. There are certain things that exist in this life that didn't in my previous one. I take comfort in those things because they remind me who I am.

And anytime I really need the reminder, I go to the one place that has no memories of that previous life...

Escaping to my roof, for even a minute, is sometimes all I need. I've gone up there to celebrate, to pace in frustration, to meditate, and sometimes just to people-watch. It takes me outside of myself and allows me to take in the big picture. What is the big picture? That my life, this life, is my own and no one else's. No matter what obstacles are thrown at me, no matter what shit comes my way via past trauma creeping up, this is still my life.

It's never going to be easy. There will always be things that creep up and try to pull me back to that old life. But as long as I stay true to who I am and never forget how I got here, then I'll continue to make it through.

It never ends, but it doesn't need to end me.

- DB