I always get back up

Over the last 2 days, I've been feeling very violated... as if someone peeked into my life without permission. It's a difficult thing to grapple with and it's caused me to have to retreat a bit and reevaluate the things I share publicly. I never want to stop writing and sharing my stories because they not only help me, but help others as well. So how do I continue without backing myself into a corner again?

 

(Leave it to a cartoon about a kid bitten by a radioactive spider 

to have one of the most poignant quotes for me in this time)

I've been knocked down more times than I can count and most of those have been by the same person. I was made to be a shell of a person with no dreams, desires, or favorite things of my own. Everything in my life was centered around this person... which makes creating a new life not only important but very very hard.

When I started out on my own 2 years ago, I knew it was going to be hard and I knew it was going to take a long time to really establish a life for myself. But I did it... and did it with flair. Never in a million years could I imagine not only living in NYC, but thriving here. I have friends that I love, a neighborhood that feels like home, and finally have my own interests that are in no way connected to my past.

That last part is the most important.

The other night I was struggling to ground myself. Even with all the work I've done to move on with my life, having to endure the abuse again, even briefly, was enough to really throw me. I needed something to snap me back to reality and remind myself not only where I am but who I am. So I leaned on the things that I hold most dear that helped me start this new life 2 years ago... anything Hamilton related. Hamilton and Lin came into my life during one of the darkest periods of my life and, therefore, are an anchor point for me. Feel myself drifting? Hamilton. Feel like I don't remember who I am? Hamilton. It's that simple.

It's going to take me a few more days to get myself all the way back up, but I'll never stop. "No matter many times I get hit, I always get back up." I will always keep going, always keep learning, always keep moving forward... and never look back. This is my life and no one else's, and no one can take that away from me.

- DB