Climbing a mountain only to fall down a hole

Oh, hi! Welcome to the renewed blog. If you're reading this, thank you for sticking by me.

I started this blog because I wanted a place that I could work out all of the things floating around in my brain and maybe help some people along the way. I've definitely been through enough in my 36 years that I have plenty of first-hand experience. This writing was never meant to be something that I use to insult, drag, or in any other way demonize other people.

There was an incident yesterday that caused my to have to take certain measures to ensure my safety. By the end of the day, I found myself crying myself to sleep and having to remember where I am, who I am, and how far I've come. For anyone with PTSD or past trauma, you know difficult that can be. When you've taken strides to improve your life and separate yourself from the toxicity of your past, having it come back to haunt you is a jolt to the system.

Fighting trauma is a constant uphill climb and there never seems to be an end. You can see how far you've climbed, but there's no clear view of the end point... so you keep climbing and keep fighting. And that's what I've been doing for the last 2 years. I'll never stop fighting because I know who I am and I know where I've been.

"Look at where you are. Look at where you started. 

The fact that you're alive is a miracle. 

Just stay alive, that would be enough."

I found myself repeating that over and over to myself last night like a mantra. I needed it for grounding. Did it work? To a point, yes, but the events yesterday threw me for such a loop that nothing seemed to work. It felt like I was climbing and climbing, pulled myself over a ledge... and fell down a hole. Now today I have to climb out of that hole. It's never-ending work and, honestly, I'm exhausted... but I won't let that stop me.

I know where I was 2, 3, 5, 10 years ago. I know how much I've fought to keep going. I know who I am. I've created this whole new life for myself, by myself, and it's something I can be proud of.

So if you find you're always in some kind of uphill battle, just keep going. Never stop climbing, never stop trying. It's going to be hard and it's going to exhaust you, but going backwards isn't an option. You're stronger than you think you are. Just keep climbing.

- Danielle