The power of music

Music has the power to heal, the power to move us, the power to reveal things about ourselves that we've never realized before. I've always felt a strong connection to music from a very early age, singing and dancing along to Disney movies. As I got older, I realized that the music I listened to would have a profound affect on me. Songs that made me cry or smile or yell or dance around in celebration. Music to calm me down when frustrated or lift me up when sad. I used to tell people that you could tell my mood by the music that I was listening to.

I've been very emotionally raw lately. I think writing a memoir can have that affect. Diving into so many years of abuse, recovering memories that were repressed, can really take its toll on you. I've found myself lashing out at friends who are trying to help and withdrawing from everyone... not wanting to hurt anyone. With no one around, I turn to music for comfort. I have a playlist I made a month ago that includes all my favorite "chill out" and uplifting songs. Something that I can just throw on shuffle and know that anything that comes up will immediately bring me some relief.

Then this morning I had the desire to watch Frozen 2. No matter how old I get, I'm still a Disney kid at heart. I remember when I first saw it, Thanksgiving of last year, how the song Show Yourself made me cry. I've never stopped thinking about it from that moment on and every time I've watched it since, I've had the same reaction. Then today, after a few weeks of really just balled up tension and raw emotion, I cried at that song harder than I ever have before.

Every inch of me is trembling, but not from the cold

Something is familiar, like a dream I can reach but not quite hold

I can sense you there, like a friend I've always known

I'm arriving, and it feels like I am home

I have always been a fortress, cold secrets deep inside

You have secrets, too, but you don't have to hide

Show yourself, I'm dying to meet you

Show yourself, it's your turn

Are you the one I've been looking for

All of my life?

Show yourself, I'm ready to learn

I've never felt so certain, all my life I've been torn

But I'm here for a reason, could it be the reason I was born?

I have always been so different, normal rules did not apply

Is this the day? Are you the way

I finally find out why?

Show yourself, I'm no longer trembling

Here I am, I've come so far

You are the answer I've waited for

All of my life

Oh, show yourself

Let me see who you are

Come to me now, open your door

Don't make me wait, one moment more

Oh, come to me now, open your door

Don't make me wait, one moment more

Where the north wind meets the sea

There's a river, full of memory

Come, my darling, homeward bound

I am found

Show yourself, step into your power

Grow yourself, into something new

You are the one you've been waiting for

All of my life

Here is this person who has been scared of herself her entire life, never understanding her power or really anything about herself. She's scared of hurting those around her, so she retreats and withdraws. Now she finds that not only was there nothing to be scared of, but that the answers she spent her entire life looking for reside inside her. 

"I am the one I've been waiting for all of my life." 

I'm 36 years old and have spent most of my life hiding, floating, never really knowing who I am or where I belong. It took me a really long time to understand myself and find home. Once I did, I knew that the person I'm meant to be has been inside me this whole time. Every single time I hear this song, even a snippet of it, it awakens those feelings inside of me. I rescued myself from my previous torment. I've taken care of myself most of my life. I alone hold the power that I need to be the person that I want to be, because she already exists inside me.

Even just writing this I'm smiling through tears because I know it to be true. Music has the power to heal and show us hidden truths. If ever I need a reminder again, I know exactly where to turn.

- DB