Pull up

I'm not going to lie... I had a really rough week. As we rolled into July it just kind of hit me... wow, it's been almost 4 months since I've been around people! Today actually marks exactly 4 months since I last hugged another person. For those that live alone, this has been seriously tough and I think people who don't tend to take that for granted... being around people that is.

Early this week I had a meltdown... to put it mildly. I was just starting to feel like I couldn't do it anymore. I keep trying to stay positive and look for the silver linings to things, but it's simply never that easy. While Labor Day is out there right now as the "return to work" point on the horizon, the more I see people out and the more I see numbers rising, the less that actually seems likely. I've started to think that this is simply life for the remainder of 2020.

And that scared me! I started to panic and felt as if I'd never see my family and friends again. With that panic brought the old feelings of "no one gives a shit if I'm around anyway" which always tends to creep up on me when I'm least expecting it. 

I started to cry. And not just cry, but sob... heavy sobs. I simply couldn't contain it and felt like there would only be one way to stop it. I knew that I needed to reach out to someone, but who? Everyone is dealing with their own shit right now, and some are dealing with a lot worse things than me, so I didn't know what to do. Calling a hotline never worked for me in the past. I just felt lost and scared and just wanted it all to end.

I sent 1 singular text message to a friend. It was essentially a goodbye text with some stuff meant only for them, but a goodbye nonetheless. The conversation that resulted was honest and open and trusting. Did it make me feel 100% better? No, of course not. Nothing will really get me to that point right now. But it was enough to help me hit the reset button for at least another day.

What would have happened if that friend hadn't responded? I'm honestly not sure. I was feeling that old feeling that lives inside me telling me to just end it so it's really hard to say. Thankfully, that's not something we have to worry about right now.

All this to say that if you are feeling down, if you are feeling like you just can't go on... reach out to someone. And don't be subtle about it. Reach out with honesty and say exactly what's going through your mind. Many times people don't respond to a simple "hey" or "can we talk" because there's no urgency to it. I know I ignore text messages all the time if I'm in the middle of something... or simply not in the mood to talk. But if a friend texts and it seems like there's something wrong, I drop everything I'm doing to be there for them.

Now, this isn't to say that you should always throw up the white flag just to get someone's attention. At that point you just end up the person who cried wolf and no one will believe you when you actually need the help. But if you feel like you're drowning, trust that someone will be there to through you a rope.

Just don't give up.

Ever.

Pull up on that rope and keep fighting another day.

- DB