The upside of isolation
It's been about 5 months since everything shut down and in that time I've done a lot of thinking. Some good, some bad, some positive, some negative, but all in all useful in some way. When you have nothing to do but sit with your thoughts, it really gives you a sense of who you are and how you're doing. Are you coping or just getting by? Are you thinking clearly or being erratic? Was that text you sent needed or could it have been avoided?
That last one is kind of key. I've always had this thing where if there's something on my mind, I have to tell the person it involves. I don't know why, but I always felt like I had to. Unfortunately, it almost always makes me feel worse and then can lead to awkward conversations in the future. That whole "just because you're thinking it doesn't mean you need to say it" thing? Yeah... that's something I've never really been able to manage.
But I think what's happened in these months is that I've been able to look at my life now and how my life used to be and actually be happy. I'm proud of this life that I've built and the people that I've filled it with. It took me a long time to get here and, oddly, if it weren't for these months of isolation I don't think I'd be able to have this kind of clarity.
Now, this isn't to say that I'm always going to be happy or that I won't have bad days or that I won't get upset if someone doesn't text me back. Let's be real... I'm human! Of course these things are going to happen. But there's a difference between "I'm having a bad day. Let's start over tomorrow" and "Today sucks and everyone hates me." Just because someone doesn't text/call you back doesn't mean that they hate you. People are busy (yes, even now) and they have their own lives, their own feelings, and their own things that they're dealing with. That in no way means that they're mad at you or hate you.
I say this as someone who always assumes that there are people out there who are upset with me. Most of the time I'm wrong about that. Yes, you may say something that upsets someone and if you feel that's happened, then you apologize. But it's the apologizing for existing that isn't necessary... and something that I've done most of my life. I've always felt the need to say I'm sorry simply for being who I am or not being what people expect or being too this or too that. I think that was drilled into my head at a very young age and now, at 36, I fight the urge to apologize on a daily basis.
The constant apologizing gets me nowhere and, in a way, fills that "I need to text this person" urge that I have. That "if I don't text them they'll forget about me" thing. The people in my life that I interact with regularly are the people I care about and no amount of back and forth "I'm sorry I suck" is going to change that. I said to a friend the other day that, with everything I've been through in my life, I know that the friends I have now are true and honest friends. That the people who are in my life will most likely be in my life for a while.
Having that feeling and sense of security in a friendship is rare and really important. I think finding that makes it easier for me to step back and realize that I know those people will be there whether we talk every single day or once a month. I know that those who have had my back and been there with me through really dark days will continue to be by my side... and vice versa.
These times are tough and I won't lie, there are days when I wish things could go back to normal. But the more time I have alone to just think, the more I realize just how lucky I am to have this new life and to fill it with people I love.
- DB
