A year to reflect on
I tweeted this a year ago. I've already talked a little bit in my last post about how things can change in the blink of an eye... how all it takes is for 1 person to say "hey I got you," but I wanted to talk about it a little more.
A year ago I was (mostly) friendless, hating my job, and just feeling miserable and invisible all the time. I didn't think anyone saw me or gave a shit. In a city of millions, I felt like I might as well have been on a desert island.
Flash forward to today and I have so much to be grateful for. I have friends that I love, a job I really enjoy, and I no longer feel invisible. It's as if in the last year my life has made a full 180. Do I owe a lot to the person who saw that tweet and reached out to me that day? I do, but it's more than that.
I think I spent so much time just waiting for something to happen but never put myself out there to make things happen. Sure, I had tried to make friends at various things earlier in the year, but I never really made an effort. In my head, I always sucked at making friends and was simply "too awkward" for people to like me. I thought I was unlikable and that held me back from putting myself out into the world.
"If I don't try then I won't get rejected."
How many people have said that to themselves? I know I've said it countless times. If I don't step off the ledge, then I'll never know that I can't fly, right? But it doesn't work that way. You can't sit around waiting for life to happen to you. People aren't just going to show up at your door with a bottle of wine and say, "Hey let's be friends!" I had to put in the effort to at least try and make friends. A big part of that was FLS and FLSA because, let's be real, that's where the majority of my friends were made, but I think it's more than that. I think FLSA forced me out of my comfort zone so that I was then able to say to people, "Hey, wanna go do something?"
I remember last year in late-October when someone (who is now a good friend) said to me that she didn't see me as socially awkward at all. I didn't understand how she could say that and I began to look at my behavior and attitude towards myself. I wasn't actually socially awkward, but by labeling myself as such, I had put up a barrier that stopped me from being outgoing. I had to break down that barrier and start seeing myself how others did. It wasn't until I started to chip away at that facade that I could go, "Wow, I'm actually not so bad!"
Where would I have been had I not tried? What would my life look like if I had simply given up a year ago? Would I even have a life to speak of right now (literally and figuratively)?
My life has changed so drastically over the years that I sometimes forget how much can change in just 1 year. 3 years ago I was grieving, fighting postpartum depression, and simply trying to put the pieces back together. 2 years ago I was living on my own and getting ready for my impending divorce while already thinking about moving. 1 year ago I was depressed to the point of being suicidal.
Where am I today? It's hard to say as emotions come in waves (especially during these times), but for the most part I'd say I'm content. I think that's the best word to describe myself and feelings towards my life and circumstances. To quote Lorelai Gilmore, " I like my life, I like my friends, I like my... stuff. My time, my space, my TV..." I've said this a million times, but my life is my own and that makes me happy. However, I'm at the point now where it's more than that. I can look back at everything I've been through and see it from a different perspective. I can sit back and know how hard I fought to get where I am while still being grateful for everything I have.
Because I am grateful... I am beyond grateful. I never could have imagined my life would be what it is and, according to some friends, it's not even believable at times (which, let's be honest, it's really not). People say that I "deserve" to be happy because of everything I've been through, but I don't see it that way. I don't think any one person deserves more happiness than another simply because they've had a hard life. Everyone deserves to be happy, but I know what they're saying. People say that as a way to make sense of all the unbelievable, crazy, amazing things that have happened and, believe it or not, all of those things have happened within the last year.
I'm grateful for this year.
I'm grateful for this life.
I'm grateful to be alive.
- DB
