How to let go

I've been sitting on this post idea for a while and even though I'm still not sure how it will come out, I figured I'd at least sit down and give it a shot. Let's go...

What does it mean to truly let go? Is it possible to let go of something or someone that has meant something to you? Is it true that holding on hurts more than letting go? When do we know it's time to let something go?

Is it easier to throw away something physical than it is to let go of something emotional? 

It can be easy to hold onto things. I'm a very sentimental person and tend to hold onto cards, pictures, tickets, and anything that could bring up a happy memory when I'm old and gray. I've known people that are the exact opposite and throw out birthday cards the minute the open the envelope. The notion of that always seemed weird to me, but some people are just like that. They find it easy to not hold onto things. However, these same people may hold onto emotional baggage more than physical items.

Personally, I find that I hold onto both. This is both good and bad, but something I've learned over the last few years is how to let go of that which doesn't actually help you. This could be something physical (like a gift from someone), emotional (a pained memory), or an actual person.

How do you let go of a person, you ask? Well, sometimes it's not as easy as we want it to be. If someone has meant something to us, it may be hard to sever those ties. That's when you have to look at the relationship as a whole and think, "Is this person actually helping me in my life? Is there a benefit to keeping this tie?" Now, this might sound harsh, but hear me out for  a second...

Imagine you have a garden. You've had it for a long time and you pride yourself on how it flourishes. When you started growing things, you had 1 particular flower that you absolutely loved so you planted more of it each year. In addition to what you've planted, the flower itself has spread and with each season, there are even more than you had ever planned. There are other things in your garden as well, but this flower that you once loved has taken over everything. There's no longer room for the other flowers to grow. In order for things to fully flourish and bloom, you have to start weeding the once loved flower to make room for other things. It doesn't mean that you no longer love it... you just don't have as much room or need for it anymore.

This is what it's like to cut a toxic person out of your life.

Cutting someone out doesn't mean that you no longer care for them. It simply means that you can no longer let them take over anymore. Everyone has dealt with at least 1 toxic person in their life before. It happens. It could be a friend that doesn't provide in the friendship the way you need. It could be a partner that is more take than give. It could even be a family member. Toxic people suck the life out of relationships and in order to remain upright, sometimes we have to cut them out and let go.

There was an incident a few weeks ago where I sent an email to one of those toxic people in my life. I detailed the things they had done and how they've made me feel over the years. It was something that I needed to get out and then I sat on the email for a week before sending it. When I told my therapist about it she simply said, "Don't send it unless you're ready for this to be the end." So I waited. I reread it a lot and then hit the send button. By the time a response finally came almost a week later, I was disappointed but not surprised by their reaction. Instead of taking responsibility, it became my fault for feeling the way I did.

I didn't bother responding.

Then last week I noticed that this person had blocked me on some social media sites. An extremely juvenile thing to do and just further driving home that I have no need for them in my life. I don't wish this person any ill will, but I no longer feel the need to make an effort to keep them in my life. However, at the same time it's been incredibly frustrating that things had to get to that point. Then I get frustrated with myself for feeling frustrated over the situation and just end up in an endless cycle of frustration.

This is where letting go comes into play.

Letting go has to be more than just "I'm not talking to this person anymore." You have to accept that they're not in your life and move on from it. I'm not saying it's easy... far from it. It can be really hard depending on the level of a relationship you had with this person. But you can't heal and move on if you never let go.

I wish I had a perfect solution to problems like this. I wish I could say that the minute you cut someone out of your life that you instantly feel better, but that's simply not the case. People that come into your life are going to leave an imprint, some more than other, and depending on the size of that imprint it may take a lot longer to be able to let go. I have some people that I'll never be able to let go because they simply made too much of an imprint. Others may have been more like passing ships.

We can't control who comes into our lives, but we can control who we decide to keep. If someone is no longer contributing to your garden, then maybe it's time to pull that weed.

-DB