High anxiety
No, not that one.
I'm talking about the things that you can't get away from. The things that no matter how much you try to distract yourself or calm yourself down are still there at the end of the day. The ones that play on a loop and are loudest when you're trying to sleep.
I've been having a really hard time the last few weeks. At first I thought it was really bad PMS. From there, it was easy to blame it on the period itself. But then my period ended and I still had knots in my stomach and a hitch in my chest. I couldn't sleep because my thoughts were racing and swirling around. I tried to journal, but nothing ever came out. The only thing I could think to do was break it down. When in doubt, make a list, right?
Election anxiety: Well we're all feeling that! The closer it gets to November 3rd, the more anxious I get. That's obviously a factor, but not something that would necessarily be causing my stomach to feel like there's butterflies playing jumprope. Next!
Covid anxiety: Again, something we're all feeling. No one could have predicted that 7 months later we'd still be at home with no end in sight. It never really got easier, I think we all just kind of settled. I miss my friends and the simple things. But again, this has been a constant anxiety since March and not something that would all of a sudden be keeping me up at night. Moving on.
I continued to list things just like this. I was pulling stuff out of my head onto the paper to try and squash it out and free up some space. It took me a while to get to the root of the problem, but once I did I began to cry. I stumbled onto a realization of something that I was refusing to admit to myself and that's what was keeping me up at night. Once I admitted it, wrote it down, and even said it out loud it was as if I could be at peace.
Now, the realization itself was something that has left me sick to my stomach so I didn't exactly solve any problems. What was it exactly? Well, let me try to break it down...
I have a tendency to think that I am closer to people than I actually am. Chalk it up to abandonment and neglect issues from childhood, but I tend to latch onto people. If I think someone is my friend, then my brain says, "Yay! New best friend! Hi new best friend!" It's sad, really, and a bit pathetic. The problem is that when I try to tell my brain, "Hey, listen... this person might not actually think of you as a friend," my brain argues back and we end up at war with each other: me knowing in my gut what the truth is and my brain happily skipping along with our new "best friend".
It's exhausting because when I try to sleep or relax, Brain thinks it's play time and begins to imagine all kinds of things that it would like to do with "new best friend". Gut is saying, "Yo! Just go to sleep! None of this is real," but Brain won't hear it. It wasn't until I said the words out loud that Brain finally listened. The words that needed to be said? Simple: you don't matter to them.
Now, this may sound harsh, but it's what my brain needed to hear. I'm not saying that I don't matter in general, but more that I don't matter to a specific person (or people) and until I was able to say that to myself the war inside me was keeping me from being able to rest. Unfortunately, I'm now left with the reality of the situation, a sad brain, and a broken heart, but at least these are things I know how to deal with.
We're all a bit anxious right now. With everything happening in the world, and especially in this country, so many of my friends are just on edge. Maybe now that I've figured out what was causing my sleepless nights, I'll be able to give better support to others. Maybe something else will pop up and I'll go another few weeks with little sleep. Whatever is keeping you up at night or making your heart race during the day, just know that anxiety is normal and it's OK. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you dumb. It is 100% OK to feel anxious about anything and everything.
Write it out. Draw it. Paint it. Turn up the radio and belt it out. Punch a pillow. Go for a walk, a hike, a run. Distract yourself from it or bring it to the table and have a conversation. Whatever you need to do for the things that are making you anxious, do them.
And don't forget to breathe...
- DB
