Exposure Therapy: how the book was written
Over the last couple of weeks I've been talking to a few people about my book and their thoughts on it. Thankfully, everything has been very positive which is a nice thing to hear. Some said that they could relate to my story which is even better. I've been grappling with the importance of my story because I've been feeling like, "Why does this need to be told? Is it more important than someone else's story?"
I don't think what I've been through is unique. I don't think that there aren't hundreds of other people who could write very similar books. Maybe mine will spark others to speak out and tell their stories. I didn't start writing it because I thought it was this unique thing. I started writing it because something inside me said, "You need to do this for yourself."
... and I did. Writing the book was the most cathartic thing I've ever done. I was forced to relive things that I'd buried and confront my trauma over and over again. A friend said something to me the other day that struck me. She was attending a conference where the speaker talked about PTSD:
"He said trauma type 2 means you can’t remember every detail of what happened when because it happened over a long period of time. That made me think of your book again... I think I didn’t FULLY understand what a mind blowing good job you did until yesterday. It’s chronological. It’s with dates. It’s detailed. It’s everything that the psychologist described as especially hard for survivors to remember yesterday."
All of this is true. Having PTSD and trying to tell your brain "no, I need to remember this" is fairly difficult. Your brain wants to protect you from the bad things so digging in to recall those memories is no easy task. I poured my soul into those pages and what you get when you read it is 100% me. I didn't sugarcoat anything or try to make it easier on the reader. I wanted it to be as real as possible which actually made the whole process a little harder. I was exposing myself to these things that I'd been trying to avoid.
It was exposure therapy on steroids! Constantly throwing myself into these traumatic stories hoping that they wouldn't crush me each and every time.
As I get ready to self-publish (yes, this is happening!), I'm rereading the entire thing again and, once again, exposing myself to all of it. There are still some parts that are difficult for me to get through, but at the same time there are parts that no longer feel like my life. It's as if I'm reading someone else's story and can see everything from an outside perspective. I'm assuming this is a good thing and means that I'm healing, but it's also a little unnerving. Somehow, that life is no longer my own and I really did lose an entire decade.
But I'm happy to not carry around the burden anymore. Sure there are lingering things that affect me on a daily basis ::cue the ridiculous need I have to apologize for things I haven't done:: There are times when I still sink into a depression or find myself in a panic attack not sure what to do next. Trauma leaves a mark and depending on how bad it was, it can take years until you can really say, "I'm good."
The other day a friend called me a "scrappy ass survivor" and I've decided to wear that name with pride. I always hated the word survivor, but by definition that's exactly what I am. I survived something and I'm stronger because of it. I never gave up no matter how hard it got.
I hope those who have already read From Voiceless To Vocal have enjoyed it. I'm glad I was able to share it with people. Right now I'm working on the painstaking task of editing and revising so that I can actually try to publish the thing. The first revision is done and I'm hoping to have it up and running by the end of the month. Don't worry, I'll be sure to share the link once it's available.
As always, thank you for coming on this journey with me, dear readers.
- DB
