What stays with us?

A big theme that runs through my book is how my ex not only took away all of the things that really mattered to me, but how he also chose everything for me. Whether it was a book to read or music to listen to, it was chosen by him. If I chose something on my own, I was made fun of for the content and made to look stupid for liking it. It's caused me to not only branch out more in the last 2 years, but to really think about the things I fill my life with.

Last night, the new season of The Amazing Race premiered. I was almost in tears listening to Phil give those first instructions:

"The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe. GO!"

Now, you may be reading this going, "Oh come on. It's just a silly reality show. Why get so emotional?" The simple answer would be that I just really love this show and it's been a year and a half since there's been a new season. You could also throw in that during these times we want to grab onto any ounce of joy that we can.

However, the real answer is actually more complex than that...

I've been watching The Amazing Race since Season 12 which premiered in 2007 (I've since gone back and watched them all, but more on that in a minute). I fell in love with it instantly and it felt like the only reality competition show that was real (as real as anything can be). I wanted to be out there traveling and competing with them. The show, to me, felt like a dream come true.

Each season I anxiously awaited seeing where they would go, what cool stuff they'd get to do, and what crazy shit would happen along the way. I'd cry as teams I loved got hit with bad luck and swear at the TV when teams I hated checked in at the Pit Stop. I imagined which Road Blocks and Detours I would choose and then wonder if I'd actually be able to do them as well as I thought I could. For years I watched this show and couldn't wait for the new season so it could start all over again.

Yesterday, while overcome with emotion about the thought of finally getting a new season, I realized why this was hitting me so hard. It wasn't just that I loved this show, though that's obviously a part of it. It's the fact that it was the one singular thing that survived all these years. It was the one show that I consistently watched every season and never took a break from. Somehow, it's the one show that my ex didn't manage to take away from me.

I also realized that in late 2017/early 2018 when I knew I was done but hadn't left yet, every time we fought and separated into different rooms, I would watch The Amazing Race. I started at the beginning and watched every single season. In a time when I felt like my life was falling apart, here was this show that had been a constant for me since before I even met my ex. Somehow, this show about people racing around the world for a million dollars became my saving grace in the midst of chaos.

I've talked before about the impact of art and how things we enjoy that help us through hard times stay with us even when we're not aware of it. I've talked at length about how different things have helped me ::cough::Hamilton::cough:: and the meaning behind the things that matter to me. Now I have something else to add to that list that I didn't even realize was in consideration.

So maybe I'm silly for liking this show. Maybe you think it's dumb or it's simply not your cup of tea. Maybe you think I'm just grasping at straws by now looking for anything to make connections to. However, when I think back on the last 11 years of my life and try to piece together fragments of memories, there are some that stick out more than others. There are things that stayed with me throughout the years when others couldn't hold on. There are things that helped me, whether I was aware of it at the time or not.

Hold onto those things that help you. Remember that it doesn't matter why you like something if it matters to you. 

The world is waiting for you. 

Good luck. 

Travel safe. (not really, please stay home!)

Go!

-DB