The first step into the abyss is the hardest
November 3rd is less than 5 days away (maybe more on the election next week) and I'm about a week away from my book being published. So much is happening all at once that I'm finding myself to be completely emotionally exhausted. When I have something to focus on I'm usually able to push through for a little bit and brush things aside, but over the last 12 hours everything completely changed.
Last night I finished the last edits of my book. I had a few questions for my copyeditor to double check, but once that comes back again it'll basically be done. This morning, I finalized the cover design. All the pieces are falling into place. Only a few steps lie between me and a published book. So why aren't I happier?
It's hard to say what I'm feeling exactly. I'm definitely happy that my story will be out in the world for people to read. I think it's important. I think it's relatable. I think it can genuinely help people. However... and this is a big however... I am absolutely terrified.
It was one thing to write the book and share it with a few friends. That was easy (or as easy as writing the thing could be). It was another thing to make the decision to share it publicly. I knew there wouldn't be many readers and, still, most of them were people I knew. Making the decision to self-publish was an easy one but now that it's so close to happening I am so scared. This isn't just some story I came up with in my head with made-up characters and plotlines.
This is my life.
It's my life and experiences and people that have come and gone from it. It's my tears and happiness and struggles and triumphs. It's my joy and sadness and deep depression. It's things that people know and a lot of what people don't.
Everything happened so fast that I don't think I fully had the time to process what was happening. I'm not going to let my fear hold me back, but it's real right now. It's "oh shit this is really happening" kind of fear. It's "there's no turning back now" fear. It's the "I'm one foot off the ledge, I might as well jump" fear.
I've always wanted to go skydiving and bungee jumping, but I know the first step is going to be the hardest. Letting go and just allowing whatever's going to happen happen is the scariest thing. Once I step off this ledge and put that book out into the world, it's no longer in my hands. This tension will ease, this fear will ebb, and I'll be able to breathe easier. But until that happens, I'm still standing there on the ledge, holding on for dear life, trying to find the courage within myself to let go.
-DB
