Antici………….. pation
Yesterday I was waiting on pins and needles all day. I knew there was a package coming with copies of my book and I couldn’t sit still. I knew that pacing the apartment and constantly checking the tracking on UPS wasn’t going to make the package get here any quicker, but I’ve had so many issues with deliveries the last few months that I was terrified something would happen. I had this vision of the box filled with my books just being driven away, never to be seen again. I desperately attempted to distract myself with other things throughout the day, but I am the least patient person on the planet. I can’t wait for anything if I know it’s going to make me happy. I basically don’t have an ounce of Burr in me. I’m all Hamilton… full steam ahead all the time.
We had a going away zoom party for a coworker at the end of the day that helped to take my mind off of things a little bit, but I was just waiting for that door buzzer to go off. I’m sure I would have looked insane jumping out of screen to answer the door, but I didn’t care. Unfortunately, the zoom party ended and still not books in sight. It was just after 5 o’clock when the buzzer finally rang.
I sprinted to the door, thanked the nice UPS delivery man (always thank your delivery people!), and ran back to the table to open up the package. My hands were shaking so much I would barely hold the scissors to open the box. My hands don’t shake often… it’s actually how I tell if my anxiety is really bad by if my hands are shaking or not. Usually it will happen if I’m extremely nervous or overly excited about something (see: when I won Ham4Ham to see Hamilton for the first time). At this moment, my hands were having their own little earthquake they were shaking so badly.
I finally managed to get the box open and there it was… my book! A thing I wrote over 5 months, poured my soul into, and here it was in my hands!
I didn’t even have the words for it. I took pictures and shared them on social media, texted a few friends, but I couldn’t do anything better than a few emojis. It was real. This thing that I wrote… my story… was actually a book. Over the last couple of weeks people kept asking me if I was excited, but I couldn’t believe that it was real yet. Sure I had downloaded an eBook version and other people had sent me pictures of their copies. I’ve received reviews and feedback from people who had read it so I knew, logically, that it was out, but I hadn’t held one yet. Until I physically held one in my hands, I couldn’t believe that it was actually real.
It’s a strange feeling, really, to know that my life sits within these pages. The last 2 weeks have just been crazy and filled with so much emotion. The last 5 months were agonizing as I figured out how to put it all on the page. Now as I approach my 2 year New Yorkiversary, it’s hard not to look back and see just how far I’ve actually come. It’s almost like holding the book last night finally closed that chapter and now I get to start the next one.
As I look around this room and see pictures of my friends hanging on the wall, I’m struck with how much this book really represents. The book starts with me moving to NY and then goes back in time to tell you the story… but it starts with that moment. Almost 2 years later and there are things in my life that I never could have imagined would happen. When I got the idea to move to NY, it felt like something was calling me here… pulling me to this city for reasons unbeknownst to me. Over the last 2 years, I’ve tried to figure out what that is. I’ve spent time searching for it and asking for signs, only to come up short. I’m not sure if the “thing” that was calling me was even a tangible thing, to be honest. The anticipation of the new life, a new start, a chance to be the real me was what I needed. Everything fell into place once I embraced that.
I don’t know what’s in store for me next. Maybe I’ll write another book. Maybe I’ll run a marathon. Maybe I’ll take up some crazy new hobby. I honestly don’t know… and I kind of love that. I used to hate not knowing where my life was going… the anticipation of the unknown was too much. But now? Now I’m going to revel in it. I’m going to celebrate how far I’ve come, the life I have, and that I have absolutely no idea what comes next.
- Danielle
