Never let good be good enough

This was a catchphrase on a training video for a job I had many moons ago. A coworker and I had a running joke about it for a while because we both thought it was completely ridiculous, but in a weird way it’s kind of stuck with me. Could it be my perfectionist side coming out? Yes, of course. I always have this need to be “perfect” and make people proud, though often it feels as though nothing I do will ever be “good enough” so… is it true that I can never let good be good enough?

I’ve talked about perfection before so I won’t do too much on that again, but there’s something in that need to always be on point and never make mistakes. It really started when I was a teenager and thought, “If I just straighten up and stop making mistakes, people will like me.” As John Mulaney would say:

Now, at 37 and trying to deal with deeply rooted issues from my youth, I’m left with this: what else can I possibly do to win someone’s approval? I often feel as though I’m constantly striving for something I’ll never reach… like I’m on the merry-go-round trying to grab the golden ring but I can never seem to get close enough (oddly enough, though, I was always really good at that!).

Some may say I’ve accomplished quite a bit in my life, especially in the last few years. Since I left my abusive marriage I’ve changed cities, started a new job, made amazing friends, and written a whole-ass book. I mean, on paper that sounds pretty great, right? So why am I still questioning my worth every minute of the day? Because there is a large part of me that is waiting for that validation, waiting for someone to say, “I’m proud of you.”

For a while I was working on a separate post about pride that never really panned out into anything. In all honesty, the tone of it never came out right. It sounded childish and whiny, complaining that I’d never heard the words, “I’m proud of you,” and questioning how one can be proud of themselves without being conceited. Now as I write this, though, I realize why that’s so hard and why all previous incarnations of a pride-type post never worked out: being proud of yourself inherently makes you sound full of yourself. Isn’t pride one of the seven deadly sins? (asks the Jew who only really knows about them through Seven and an episode of Charmed). We’re not supposed to be prideful, right? Maybe that’s why it’s natural to want to hear from others that they are proud of us.

Sure, my therapist tells me she’s proud of me in almost every session and I have friends who say it often. So, why then, am I still reaching for that golden ring? Why do I make myself depressed and miserable waiting around to hear those words from people who may never say them?

One word: validation.

We want to hear from those we look up to and admire that we’ve done something to make them proud. It’s why a little kid will stand on the side of the pool yelling for their parent to watch them jump. They don’t want to jump into the pool for their own satisfaction (though it is fun!). They want to show that they can do it and have someone cheer them on. It’s human to want that validation, to seek it out like buried treasure. That means that it’s also human and natural to feel defeated when it doesn’t come.

So maybe good never is good enough. Maybe we’re always reaching and reaching for that golden ring of validation only to miss it by inches and we spend our whole lives going round and round waiting for another chance. Or maybe we can learn how to be proud of ourselves without the validation or others. Sure that’s a terribly difficult thing to even think about, but I wonder if it leads to a happier life. What if you said, “I’m done with this merry-go-round. I’ll find pride within myself,” and then went out and did just that? Is it possible to step off of the ride?

Can we truly live our lives without worrying about someone else validating our accomplishments or very existence?

I hope so.

- Danielle