I have no expectations, just to be here in the present…
Sometimes everything falls into place in such a serendipitous way that it feels like a dream. The stars align, everything feels right, and you can truly just live in the moment.
As followers of this blog will know, this past Saturday was the 5 year anniversary of when I lost my baby. Saturday was also the day that I got to see my favorite band for the first time in 4 years. When they announced their summer tour dates and I saw they were playing relatively close by on August 27th, I knew there was no way I could pass that up. It simply seemed meant to be (even if I had to trek out to Long Island for it!). A few things occurred to me as the day went on…
First was the fact that the very first solo thing I did after leaving my ex was, you guessed it, see Dispatch in concert in Boston. It was September 2018 and I had never been to a concert alone before. Movies, sure, that’s easy. Take myself out for a meal or drink? I was just starting to get used to that. But I’d never been to a play, musical, or concert by myself before. I’d always felt that things like that were very communal and better experienced with others. Since moving to NY, obviously, I’ve been to many things on my own and truly learned to enjoy my own company. But for 2018 Danielle this was completely new territory. Needless to say I had an amazing time and knew that it would be the first of many more solo things in my future.
So that’s significant point #1.
Significant point #2 didn’t hit me until I was almost at the venue.
Like I said, I had to head all the way out to Jones Beach on Long Island which, for me, is quite a bit of a schlep… but I’d been there before. I knew it was a beautiful venue, right on the water, and would be the perfect spot to see Dispatch. When would I have been there before? I’m so glad you asked. Back in July of 2010, my ex and I took our very first trip together… 1 night away to see his favorite band at Jones Beach. The fact that I’ve now returned to that venue to see my favorite band, the first band I saw after leaving him, on the 5 year anniversary of losing Alexander is just… see what I mean when I said everything seemed to fall into place?
I don’t even need to go into details about the concert. It was amazing and Dispatch is hands down the best live band. They put on an amazing show and it’s basically impossible to be in a bad mood while listening to their music. I knew I would have fun regardless. But when all of these different things started to come to me, again, it just felt like that was exactly where I was supposed to be.
The last 4 and a half years have felt like a series of moments that came together in such a way that everything worked out exactly as it was meant to. Things don’t always happen the way I think they will and I often have to remind myself that that’s ok. If something isn’t working out, then it wasn’t meant for me. That’s the biggest takeaway from this whole journey, really. You meet the people you’re meant to and experience life as it comes. You can plan and try to predict every minute of your life, but it’ll never turn out the way you thought it would… but that’s ok!
Things haven’t been easy for me lately. I’ve been struggling a lot and I feel as though I’m constantly digging myself out of a hole, only to have more things thrown at me. Not like this is new, but sometimes the digging just gets harder. Nights like Saturday remind me of the good and how hard I’ve worked to achieve it. I never want to lose that feeling. I’ll never forget everything I’ve been through, but I hope for the day when it’s no longer such a big part of me. Saturday night I was able to be the true me, the one I’ve spent so much time chipping away at, and it was truly freeing.
And I have no expectations
Just to be here in the present
And behold you for a second
Before it all goes away
- Danielle
