Patience? What’s that?
They say that patience is a virtue and if that’s true it’s one I do not have. I’ve never been a patient person. Maybe it’s my anxiety that just has me too amped up for things or maybe it’s something a little bit more, but lately I’ve been noticing that it’s not so laughable as it used to be.
For some reason, when I set out to do something, no matter how big or small, I feel the need to completely rush through it. Whether it’s cleaning my apartment, making a meal, or even writing once I start I have to finish or I start to panic. Bosses have always loved this about me because it makes me, as a former boss loved to say, a “work horse” but for me it’s never been fun. The need to complete things 100% as fast as I can becomes exhausting.
So why do it? Why not just enjoy the things as they’re happening?
I’ve been thinking on this all day and as I was cleaning up after making dinner I had an “aha” moment…
In my prior relationship I was constantly rushed. It didn’t matter what I was doing or how long it actually took, I had to speed through it. Showers needed to be under a certain time, walking from one point to another needed to be speedy… you get the idea. Now, combine that with my already inherited anxiety and you’ve got a pretty volatile combination brewing. The result of this concoction is that I now still, 3 years later, have to do everything as quickly as possible. I’m pretty sure this need already existed to some extent, but it was definitely pounded into me over the course of 9 years.
So what now?
Well, like most things I’m hoping that now that I’m aware of it I can fix it. Usually finding the trigger to something can help to adjust that behavior. It’s definitely going to take some time because this one was so deep that it’s taken me this long to realize it, but being aware of it is always the first step. I’m always going to have a little A.Ham in me and feel the need to go nonstop, but maybe I can try to be a little more patient with things. Especially right now, with the world the way it is, there is absolutely no need for me to be rushing around. I have nothing but time on my hands.
- Danielle
