PTSD & Triggers

**Trigger warning: this post will talk about triggers for various things. If you are easily triggered, please proceed with caution or just skip this post entirely**

Last night I was forced to sleep on my couch. This has happened more times than I can count in the last couple of years but it wasn’t until last night that I realized why it bothered me so much. Sure anyone is going to be annoyed if they can’t sleep in their own bed in their own apartment, but for me it’s more than that. Having to sleep on the couch, I realized, is a trigger for me. When I was with my ex I spent many nights on the couch for various reasons. If I couldn’t sleep I went out to the living room to avoid waking him up. If we were fighting I was often the one who slept out there… and so on.

As I was lying there last night trying to calm myself down after screaming through the walls at my neighbors, I started thinking about triggers. Things like “oh you were triggered” are thrown around these days as an insult, but being triggered by something and having a reaction to it is actually a real thing. Anyone with PTSD can be triggered into a bad memory. My mom’s old boyfriend that lived with us for 10 years was a Vietnam vet and he had severe PTSD. It was so bad that I couldn’t watch Forrest Gump when he was home.

For me, my triggers are both obvious and sometimes not so much. A couple years ago I was badly triggered by a couple fighting on the subway. A few weeks after that, it was an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Sometimes something that I think will be a trigger isn’t and vice versa and they’ve changed over the years. In the years following my sexual assault in 2005, I was severely triggered by movies and TV shows depicting rape. I still refuse to watch A Clockwork Orange. As the years passed and I began to overcome that particular trauma, those triggers lessened. However, in the last 3 or 4 years I’ve found myself to have a very quick trigger finger and it can get exhausting trying to keep up with it.

While I was writing the book I was forcing myself to relive traumatic events which made me very susceptible to triggers. This became evident when I watched the Hamilton movie for the first time and was nearly inconsolable afterwards (granted it was about 7am and I’d been up all night, but still). Many people with PTSD try their best to bury the memories to avoid being triggered but here I was forcing myself to relive everything over and over again. It made me an exposed and raw nerve which means it really didn’t take much for something to trigger me.

Now, 3 years since leaving that relationship and almost a year since I started writing the book, my triggers tend to be less. I find that I can watch TV shows and movies that once triggered me. I can have conversations that don’t throw me into a panic attack. Most days I feel like I’ve conquered my triggers. But then something like last night happens and I’m reminded that PTSD doesn’t just go away. It can get easier to manage, especially if you’re aware of your triggers, but I don’t think it ever truly leaves you. It’s a mental illness and when you’ve had as much trauma as I have, there’s a lot to unpack and overcome.

Any therapist will tell you, “Be aware of your triggers and avoid them when you can,” but that’s a difficult thing to do when they’re constantly changing and evolving. What triggered me 3, 5, 10 years ago doesn’t anymore. New things pop up that make me freeze or question myself. Recently I’ve started cooking again and being in the kitchen brings a whole new set of memories and triggers to boot. I’m calling it my “kitchen anxiety” and all I can do is keep putting myself in there and try to overcome it. In this now 14 months of Covid, many people are (or will be) experiencing PTSD. When things start really opening back up and going back to “normal” I know a lot of people who will find being in a crowd anxiety-inducing. That will actually be a trigger for many many people.

There’s no easy way to combat any of this. PTSD of any kind (regardless of what you went through) is so difficult because you never really know what’s going to make your brain go “Hey remember this! Remember how bad this thing was?!” You can go months, sometimes years, without being triggered once and then one small thing can throw you into a panic attack. You never really know.

With May being Mental Health Month and this week in particular being Mental Health Awareness Week, take a moment to think about those in your life who may be suffering. Just because someone isn’t talking about something doesn’t mean it’s not bothering them. If someone says that something makes them uncomfortable, don’t scoff at it. More often than not there’s a deeper reason behind it. At the same time, don’t force someone to talk about something they’re either not ready to discuss or simply don’t want to. I tend to be a very open person so talking about what I’ve been through or what I’m currently going through is easy, but it’s not like that for everyone.

If you’re reading this and you find that you are being triggered left and right, please know that you are not alone. I’ve overcome a lot but there are still days where every single thing I see and hear is triggering. Every day is a battle between different parts of my brain. You are not alone.

Please share this post with anyone who you think may be suffering from PTSD or any kind of mental illness that is causing them to be triggered. Remind them that they’re not alone.

Sending you love.

- Danielle