The lost year
A year ago I was sent home from work, just like everyone else, and told to stay there for 2 weeks. My new job was slated to begin on Monday the 30th so as far as anyone in that office knew, that would probably be the last time they saw me. Usually leaving a job is met with hugs and “we should grab drinks” pleasantries that you know will never happen, but because of the abruptness of it all and the fact that no one really knew what was going on yet, it was completely unceremonious. There were no hugs, no high fives, no anything really. All we knew at this point in time 1 year ago was that physical contact was bad and we needed to wash our hands as much as possible. So I walked out of the office I’d been in for a little over a year and never looked back.
The Sunday before I hung out with a couple of friends. We had dinner and sat in the restaurant for way too long, as usual, but when we said goodbye there were no hugs. It was awkward to just be like, “ok, uh… bye?” and go our separate ways. Little did we know that it would be the last time the 3 of us would hang out until who knows when.
The world stopped.
Everyone started taking precautions, loading up on toilet paper and hand sanitizer, staying home unless absolutely necessary, and that should have been the end of the story. We could already see other countries having drops in their infection counts, so why would we be any different, right? But we were naive enough to think that in the land of “you can’t tell me what to do” that people would actually do the bare minimum.
As dates for “reopenings” kept getting pushed back, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I got angry. I got angry at the people who couldn’t do one simple thing: wear a mask and stay home. It’s not a difficult concept but even now, a year later, people are still arguing about having to wear one. You still see stories about someone getting into a fight because they were asked to put one on. Yes we have vaccines now, but that just means that all these “anti-maskers” will now be “anti-vaxxers” because let’s be real… they’re 100% the same people.
I feel like we’ve seen the good, the bad, and the hideously ugly of society in the last year. We’ve seen people be raw and real and we’ve seen people continue to be fake and market off of other people’s suffering. I’ve seen people like me who never leave their homes and I’ve seen people attending destination weddings. I understand wanting to celebrate and be with your loved ones, but there comes a point where you have to take a step back and say, “Is this needed right this minute? Can it wait? Is there a safer way to do this?”
Look, I didn’t start writing this post to pass judgement. It’s just that here we are, exactly 1 year later, and what’s changed? We’re all still at home, people are still unemployed and fighting for every penny they can to pay their bills, people are still dying. It’s almost as if people have forgotten that part of the equation. This wasn’t just some passing flu. This is, and has been, a deadly virus that is still killing people. And what’s worse is that now, because people have traveled and brought back other strains from their various travels, it’s mutated. The vaccines we have now may not even work.
This just brings me back to anger and as much as I don’t like being angry (I simply don’t like how it makes me feel), it’s so hard not to be. I would love nothing more than to leave this apartment, go see my family, get on an airplane and go literally anywhere, jump on a boat and sail around the world… I DON’T CARE. I would love to do literally anything other than sitting here day after day hoping that someone I love doesn’t die… but I don’t. I stay home and wonder when I’ll see my family again. I stay home and worry about my friends. I stay home because it’s the safest thing to do.
This shouldn’t still be our reality, but it is. Things shouldn’t still have to be closed, but they are. People shouldn’t have to still be suffering… but they are. Why? This should have ended so quickly and could have. We’ve all lost an entire year. A year of birthdays and anniversaries and parties and celebrations and vacations and joy and HUGS. I think of all the people I know how had babies in 2020 and how they were born into this world of chaos. I think of friends with young children and wonder how they explain this all to them.
A year ago we were all so determined to stay connected when everything was pulling us apart, but now it feels so much harder to keep those connections going. Time is much longer between phone calls. Text messages aren’t answered as quickly. Why? Because we’re all exhausted and just finding the energy to get out of bed can be really hard sometimes that all you can muster is a quick “like” on someone’s post to let them know you haven’t forgotten them. The Earth has gone completely around the sun and it feels as though we’ve done a full 360 as well.
My hope is that another year from now we’ll be safe in the arms of loved ones, but it all still seems like a pipe dream. No longer are we saying, “I can’t wait to see you again,” not because we aren’t anticipating reunions, but because it hurts too much to think about how much time we’ve lost and the unknown of how much longer we still have to wait.
At the end of Girl, Interrupted (the movie, not the book), Susanna says, “I’ve lost a year of my life.” That’s truly how it feels. Were things accomplished in the last year? Sure. Did everyone accomplish things in the last year? No, and that’s ok. But no matter what you did or didn’t do in the last 365 days, it was still a lost year and time we can never get back. I try not to dwell on things too much, especially those that are out of my control, but I think even 10, 15, 20 years from now I’ll think back on this time as The Lost Year. The year in which we had to change not just how we approach life but how we actually live. The year in which the smallest decisions take hours of planning. The year in which “I’ll talk to you later” has a much deeper meaning than it ever has because later may never come.
They say by summer the majority of people should be vaccinated and life can begin returning to normal. All I can do is hope that’s true. I feel like so many people I know have already been vaccinated, but that it’s not even made a dent in the general population. Personally, I won’t be eligible until it opens up to everyone and until I can get that needle in my arm I’ll be staying home. Even if things reopen, I’ll be staying here until I can be 100% sure (or at least like 95%) that I’m safe and that those around me are as well.
If you’re reading this then you’ve survived The Lost Year. If you’re anything like me it’s possible you never thought you would, but you did. Things still aren’t ready and we’re still in a state of limbo but maybe knowing that we’ve made it a full year, and that there actually is true hope on the horizon, we can keep pushing through.
- Danielle
