What 2021 taught me…
This is officially the longest I’ve gone without a new blog post since this blog has existed. Needless to say I’ve been busy, depressed, and downright exhausted. I’ve been running on fumes since about mid-September. Some days it’s good exhaustion (like staying out till 4am because friends were in town). Some days it’s bad exhaustion (aka my job is killing me). Either way, I simply haven’t had the energy to write or really even been in the best headspace to do so. However, with the year winding down I thought I’d do something new for this year’s end of year post…
It’s hard to even believe that we’re not only at the end of 2021, but that I’ve been in NY for 3 years. Some days it feels like I just got here yesterday and sometimes it’s like I’ve been here my whole life. This city is the most amazing and frustrating place I’ve ever lived and I’m truly never leaving. I notice new things every day. Even in neighborhoods that I’ve walked around a million times, it’s like I’m seeing things for the first time. That brings me to point #1: 2021 taught me to appreciate the little things in life. Yes, this should simply be normal, but when the world is in crisis we tend to only focus on the big shit going down. It can get hard to notice the small gestures people do or the cool architecture on an old building you’ve walked by a thousand times. Whether it’s the look my cat gives me when he wants attention or the happy greeting from the bartender at a restaurant I frequent, I try to relish in those small moments.
Why was this such a big lesson in 2021? Because this has been a hard year. Yes 2020 was a shitshow but, for me at least, 2021 has been a lot harder. I’ve been battling some of the worst depressive episodes of my life while also coming to some serious realizations about myself. That brings us to point #2: 2021 taught me how to appreciate myself and my flaws. I was going to make a completely separate post about this in January, but here we go. In late July I admitted to myself that I had a problem. I’ve had issues with food for a long time, on both sides of the spectrum, but it really came to a head this year. I got to the heaviest I’ve ever been and it wasn’t for any reason other than I was eating everything in front of me. I would eat dinner, not be satisfied, and then order a 2nd dinner. I would then get so angry with myself for doing it, that I would punish myself for it by either self harming or starving myself for the next week. By the time I got to the end of July I was ready to die. I didn’t want to live like that anymore. That’s when I knew I had a food addiction. I started opening up to my therapist and close friends about it and it’s been a struggle every single day. It’s not just about watching what I eat because if I restrict myself too much, the eating disorder side of my brain perks up and I start restricting everything. Finding that balance has been extremely hard and continues to be even as I near 6 months of “recovery”.
Admitting to myself that this was a legitimate problem was more than just saying, “I have an issue with food.” There have been times I’ve talked to people about it and they respond with, “Oh I know. I ate sooo much last night!” Unfortunately, that’s not the same thing. Having a food addiction is the same as any other addiction. It’s something you turn to for comfort but then becomes a crutch. It’s no longer comfort but a vice… something you use when you don’t want to deal with what’s actually wrong in your life. In a way, this brings me to point #3: 2021 taught me how to be myself. I’ve been doing a lot of work on the essence of me for the last 3, almost 4 years, but after the book came out last year I think I lost of bit of myself. I had drained my brain of so many memories but that made me vulnerable to new ones that I’d pushed down. I found myself regressing back to a version of myself I didn’t want to be. I think this ultimately led to the food addiction to begin with. But the beauty of it all is that I’ve found a way to just be… me. Whether it’s the clothes I choose to wear or simply the way I express myself, this is it. This is me. Love me or hate me, I am who I am.
The last thing I learned this year is a difficult one to talk about. Ok, they’ve all been difficult and after not writing for 2.5 months, this is turning into a mini therapy session, but here we go, point #4: 2021 taught me that I am capable of loving again. Yes, friends, you read that correctly. I fell in love this year. It’s unrequited and nothing can ever happen with this person, but no one told my heart that. Despite the heartache, it’s a blessing to know that after everything I’ve been through my heart isn’t completely closed off. If I allow myself to let someone in, then it’s possible for me to actually feel things again. I will forever be grateful to this person for showing me that it’s possible.
There have been many bright spots this year even with the constant overhang of doom in the air. I think I’ve spent about a third of the year in a deep depressive hole, but poked my head out a few times to see if things we’re ok. As I continue on this journey of self-discovery, the days are going to get harder. I have a lot of things I need to face within before I can even think about making outward changes. So one last thing before I bring this post to a close…
Despite all the bad, I am grateful. I am grateful for my friends, my cat, and my life. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to continue living that life. Nothing is ever going to change overnight. It’s not like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and all of a sudden have the perfect life… because such a thing doesn’t exist. You have to take the good with the bad, the ups with the downs. Life isn’t linear. We go back and forth on our own timelines, diving into past experiences to help us with the future while also looking ahead to try and not repeat past mistakes. We learn something new every single day and that carries us through to the next thing. As long as I can sit here and write these recaps each year, then I’ll consider it successful.
I’m not going to make any outlandish promises for 2022. I’m simply happy to put 2021 behind me (because fuck odd numbered years!) and I’m excited to see what 2022 might have in store for me. No matter where you are on your own personal journey, I wish you peace, joy, and love. However you are spending this holiday season, I hope you find time to reflect on what this year has meant to you and be grateful that you have a whole new year ahead of you.
Happy Holidays!
- Danielle
