1 Year Later
I have so many posts that I’ve started and either haven’t had the motivation to finish, couldn’t find the right words, or simply forgot about. This one, however, needs to be written.
*trigger warning: self-harm and suicidal thoughts*
1 year.
A year ago I was ready to end it all. I had said to friends that I would rather die than live “like this.” What was “this”? Well, I was angry at myself for my weight. I felt that I had allowed my weight to get so bad that there was no coming back from it. I was going through ups and downs of binging and starving and binging again only to them punish myself for eating. I was disgusted with myself and how bad my behavior had gotten. After years of never marking up my skin, I had started cutting myself again. It was, without a doubt, one of the absolute lowest points of my life.
Finally, I opened up to my therapist. I told her what was going on and we tried to come up with a plan. That night, during a Zoom call, a friend noticed something was off and messaged me to see if I was ok. I was honest enough to tell him, “No, I’m not,” and he then brought in others to join what I decided to call Project Danielle. While this was all wonderful and having people behind you is always great, it didn’t help the sinking feeling of not wanting to be alive anymore.
I started just trying to get through each hour, each day, as best I could. I made small changes and, honestly, if it weren’t for Mojo I probably wouldn’t have bothered at all. But as the months went on, I found little things to lean on. In the past I may have looked towards people for comfort, but I was finding comfort in other things. Aspects of myself that I’d never given attention to became akin to wearing a worn-in hoodie. I somehow managed to find comfort in myself.
This was not easy and was definitely a long process. It took me months. Even by the end of 2021, I was still finding myself saying that I didn’t want to live anymore. At that point, it was mostly work-related, but the fact that I was still saying it to people meant that the feelings were still there. I truly believed that there was nothing to live for and that everything I thought was good would just turn out to be bad given enough time.
So where am I now? Am I “better” or at least stable? Who’s to say, really. I’ve begun working towards a solution of sorts to help with my body dysmorphia, though that in and of itself is going to be a journey (more on this at a later date). I’ve managed to settle into a routine with my new job and found a decent place for myself there. And, yes, I’m still finding comfort in those little hidden aspects of myself.
Nothing is ever perfect, but if there’s one thing this last year has taught me it’s that there’s always something to look forward to. Last night I kept thinking about all of the things that have happened in the last year that I would have missed had I given it all up. The conversations never had, people never met, and things never experienced. That alone is enough for me to say, “what comes next?”
Last week I got a new tattoo. I had told myself that if I made it to July, I would get a semicolon tattoo. For those that don’t know about Project Semicolon, their motto is that your story isn’t over. A semicolon doesn’t end a sentence, but merely provides a break. The semicolon tattoo has become a symbol for those who have overcome those dark periods and kept going. But how to design the tattoo for myself, well, that was an endeavor all on its own. Eventually I decided to, once again, lean into those little bits of myself that I found comfort in. The things that helped me and, in some ways, saved me.
The quote, for those that can’t read it, says, “In 900 years of time and space, I’ve never met anybody who wasn’t important before.” Now, it wasn’t until after I got the tattoo and watched this episode of Doctor Who that the following day that I realized the quote is actually wrong. He says anyONE not anyBODY. Of course, I began to spiral. Once again, I did something wrong… and this was permanent! But then a friend said, “But what does the quote mean to you?” I realized then and there that, no, the quote isn’t wrong. The biggest reason for my suicidal tendencies last year was my body and body dysmorphia. Having the quote say anyBODY actually fits better than if it were “anyone”.
And, after all, doesn’t the Doctor teach us that no one’s perfect? Because I’m definitely not. Even if everything in my life were to work out the way I dream it will, I still wouldn’t be perfect. This need for perfection that I’ve always had has hindered my ability to cope with changes, no matter how big or small. If someone doesn’t care for me, I assume it’s something that I did and try to figure out a way to “fix” it. If I can fix it, then they’ll like me better, right? It was always, “If I were different, people would accept me,” but I still never accepted myself no matter how much I changed.
The last couple of years have tested a lot of people. I think spending so much time alone during those years, forced me to truly look inward and come to terms with a lot of things… and I’m still working on it. This next phase of the journey is going to require even more introspection, but it’s something I think I’m finally ready for. I’ve found that strength that 1-year-ago me was missing.
If you’re still looking for yours, don’t give up. You’ll find it. I promise.
- Danielle
