Why recovery is tricky…

These last 3 months have been a lot, and honestly... that's an understatement. Between starting a new job, being in person/office 40 hours a week after being mostly home for nearly 2 years, being around brand new people who don't know me or my story, and going through all of it without being able to go to therapy, it's just been a lot to take on. I've certainly dipped into "bad" behaviors and then gotten mad at myself for it. I've basically been on the ferris wheel of self-hate for the last 3 months and it's finally time to get off the ride.

I've spent most of the last year punishing myself for basically being human. I've convinced myself that I'm damaged so that when I fall back into an old behavior pattern or do something that I think is wrong, I can then go, "See! This is why nothing will ever change!" and continue to be angry at myself over and over again. By saying, "I have a food addiction," I basically made it impossible for me to ever feel safe eating anything! I've said this before, but I will say it again and again: when you are addicted to something that your body needs to live, it is impossible to abstain (aka stay sober) from said thing. I was building up so much guilt inside me that I was making myself sick. Yes, I am unhappy with the way I physically look, but punishing myself for it isn't going to fix anything. Ordering takeout because I've gotten home late and don't have the energy for anything else and then getting angry at myself the next day for it isn't going to fix anything. I'm basically at the point where if I eat anything, regardless of nutritional value and don’t guilt myself afterwards , I feel as though I’ve accomplished something.

Which brings me to my next point...

The idea of someone working 40 hours a week (and actually being out of their house for 55 hours when you include travel/commuting), being the sole person responsible for that house (cooking, cleaning, etc), having the time, energy, and mental capacity to do anything more than they are physically and mentally capable of is just... I don't even have the word for it. When I was home all the time and could take breaks from work whenever I wanted, it was much easier to fit in a workout or cook a healthy meal (or any meal for that matter) and I felt like I had done something good. When I was still with my ex and had another person cooking meals for me, I could come home from work, get in a run or a yoga session, and then dinner would be ready when I was done. This was a luxury I didn't realize was actually a luxury until a couple months ago. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me because I don't have the time or energy to take care of basic tasks, but the truth is... I'm only human and I'm only one person. If my apartment doesn't get clean because I need my single day off in a week to sleep and take care of my mental health... then my apartment doesn't get clean. If I need to order dinner when I get home because I've been too exhausted to even think about cooking... then I need to do that. None of these things make me a bad person.

I think putting myself in the box of "addiction" convinced me that there was something wrong that needed fixing when in reality I just need to do whatever I can to get by each day. Sure there are "healthier" or "better" ways to do things, but given my mental capacity, I have to get by in whatever way I can actually manage. If I can eke out some exercise one day but then can't do it again for a month? That's ok! If I cook and then have leftovers for a week but can't do it the following week? That's ok! Reminding myself that it's perfectly ok is going to be my way of healing the destructive thoughts.

I know another big part of this is also going to have to be dressing the body that I actually have as opposed to the body I wish I had. For the longest time, I’ve really had the same “style” (whatever that means) and never really changed it. I’ve been finding that the things I used to wear simply don’t ring true to who I am anymore. So it’s more than just finding clothes that fit my body and really about finding clothes that fit my soul. Which, yes, I realize how that sounds but I’m learning to try new things and not simply buy things because it’s easier to not think about it. The more thought and effort I put into the choices I make, the better it will be for me in the long run…

And that goes for really every decision.

There’s this woman I follow on TikTok who likes to say that her motto in life is, “I do not receive that.” The first time I heard her explain it, I felt something inside me spark to life. It’s a way of saying, “I don’t appreciate what is happening and will be removing myself from the situation.” Now, this is great when someone is pushing your boundaries, but it also works for self-care as well because when it comes to boundaries, having them with yourself is just as important. People like me, we tend to beat ourselves up over the simplest things. Someone didn’t respond to your text? Well clearly they hate you. Said something “stupid” that you regret? Best to just not talk to anyone ever again. By saying, “I do not receive that,” to myself, I’ve actually been able to slowly (very slowly) pick apart those negative thoughts. Because here’s the thing…

If someone treated me the way I treat myself, I wouldn’t speak to them, would I? I would put up walls and boundaries and basically cut that person off. So why do I allow it from myself? If I’ve earned anything with everything I’ve been through, it’s a little bit of self-love. It’s hard… I know it’s hard, but if i put in a little bit every day maybe this time next year we’ll be celebrating just how far I’ve come.

This “recovery” journey did not end up being what I thought, but I think it became what it needed to be.

Keep going.

You got this <3

- Danielle