Oh right, I should be writing
Wow, it’s been a minute, huh? My new job is great but because I’m really never home now (and when I am I’m completely exhausted) finding the time and energy to write simply isn’t there. Let’s see if we can crank out some kind of update post, though, shall we?
So my new job started on February 1st and, honestly, I’m really enjoying it. The work itself is right in that perfect venn diagram of my skills and interests. Which basically means that I don’t wake up in the morning going, “Ugh, I have to go to work!” For the first time in my life, I don’t completely dread having to go in. Sure it’s still work and I don’t make nearly enough money to really keep my head above water, but the people I work with are really great and at the end of the day I recognize that it has definitely been a positive change.
Outside of work things have been… what’s the best way to say this? Let’s just say things have not been so great. I’ve been going back and forth with emotions and I know a big part of that is the lack of therapy in my life. I haven’t met with my therapist since the end of January and have a tentative appointment set with her for May 8th. Having no insurance for 3 months didn’t seem like that big of a deal when I started but now it’s really starting to take a toll. I’ve been finding myself slipping back into old (bad) habits and lashing out. I’ve been battling some pretty bad mood swings and have really just felt “out of it” for a while. The combination of new job/new surroundings + stress + exhaustion + just living inside my head doesn’t equal out to much fun. I actually said to a coworker the other day that being me is exhausting (or something along those lines).
So you see why writing has really had to take a backseat to just… life. Any free moment I have I’m so tired that I can barely see straight, let alone do anything else. I’m hoping that a lot of this clears up once I’m able to be back in therapy, but I also think I just have some major work to do on myself. Things that I’ve been putting off because I was home alone for so long or only around people who understand me. Now I’ve got a whole office of brand new people who really don’t know me yet which causes me to bounce back and forth between 2 things:
I put on a happy face and pretend like there is absolutely nothing wrong with me
I sit at my desk and don’t attempt to talk to anyone at all
The issue with this is that neither of them are me. I talk… a lot. I talk about my life and my friends and my interests and, yes, my problems too. So to be happy smily and nothing’s wrong OR to not talk at all both feel so unnatural to me that I feel like I’m just faking my way through the day. I spent so much of my life pretending to be someone I wasn’t and I’ve fought so hard to be the person that I am now, that hiding isn’t an option for me. I don’t like hiding, but there’s constantly that fear that these new people that I now spend 40 hours a week with will completely reject me if I act like myself all the time.
You see? Exhausting being me.
I don’t know when I’ll find the brain power to write again. The recovery journal? Yeah, that’s basically dead and, unfortunately, a story for another day.
