Recovery Journal - 2 months

Recovery Journal

Feb 28

**Trigger warnings for all of these recovery posts as I will be talking in depth about addiction and eating disorders**

Oh boy, this month was a doozy! I started my new job on February 1st and adjusting to a new schedule while also trying to maintain healthy habits has not been easy. I’ve had to stop working out for the time being because I simple can’t find the right time of day to get it done. If I work out in the morning, I have to make sure I’m up early enough so that I can 1) workout, 2) clean up afterwards (I sweat… a lot!), 3) eat breakfast, and 4) get ready for work. As it is right now, I make sure I’m at least out of bed no later than 6am which gives me time to make and eat breakfast, have some coffee, and relax a little bit before getting dressed and heading out the door by 7:15. Am I up earlier because Mojo insists on waking me up 4am every day? Yes, but it’s not pleasant. In theory, I could get out of bed by 5, workout, and then continue on with my morning, but so far I haven’t found the energy to actually do this.

The alternative, of course, is to get in a workout when I get home from work but I’ve never been good at that. When you live with another person who is taking care of the cooking, then getting in a workout after your day is through is much easier. But when you live alone, all the responsibilities fall on you. If I get home around, say, 6pm, feed Mojo, change, and workout, I’ll be just starting to cook dinner around 7 probably. That means I’ll be eating no earlier than 7:30 which I really don’t like doing. I prefer to eat earlier in the night so that I don’t get sick when I go to bed. Plus, saying I’m going to actually workout after a long day is just a lie I tell myself… I know it’s never going to happen.

So the physical activity part of my recovery is not going so well. I know that I won’t truly see any major physical changes until I start adding in regular exercise and not having the time to do so is very frustrating. If I were to set an activity goal for March, it would be to slowly add in small toning exercises that can be done while doing other things. Toasting some bread? Do some calf raises. Brewing coffee? How about arm circles? Things like that. I think slowly incorporating these things instead of a full-blown workout routine might be the best way to get myself back to having physical activity part of my every day life.

“But, Danielle, what about the food part? Surely that’s going well, right?”

I wish I could say yes, but like I said… this month has been hard. I’ve been trying my best to stick to the habits I’ve created and develop new ones: meal prep, small portions, etc. I’d say most days I’m actually ok… for the most part, but there are definitely days where that emotional eating comes into play. Adjusting to this new job where I’ve gone from being home all the time to in an office around brand new people 40 hours a week has been really hard. I don’t think I anticipated the emotional impact this would have on me. It’s been very anxiety-inducing and draining, both physically and mentally. Feeling like you don’t fit in somewhere is enough to make anyone turn back to their comfort vices, no matter how bad they are for you. There have definitely been a few days this past month where I’ve binged. Not badly… not nearly has bad as I used to, but it still happening. I contemplated resetting my recovery clock and starting at zero. I wondered over and over again if it was even worth it, if it were doable. I know these are just moments of weakness and no matter how well I’m doing they’re still going to happen, but it’s make this whole journey just that much more difficult.

At the same time, I’m fighting some of the worst body dysmorphia that I’ve ever dealt with before.

I’ve mentioned in a couple previous posts that I don’t feel comfortable in my body. It not only doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, but I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror. This becomes a harder thing to deal with when you have to get dressed in real clothes and leave your house every day. When I could live in pajamas and comfy clothes 24/7, it was easier to pretend it wasn’t an issue, but now? Not so much. There were several days during my first couple of weeks at the new job where I found myself crying on the floor of my bedroom, surrounded by the remnants of discarded clothing options. As much as I try to fight it and tell myself that being body positive is better than getting down on myself, that’s not as easy as people think it is.

You see, I have what I call my “happy weight”. It’s a place where I know my body is comfortable, I am physically comfortable, and it’s just all around better for me. The last time I was at this weight was probably more than a decade ago. Do you see the problem with this? Bodies change as we get older and it gets harder and harder to lose weight. Things that worked for me then won’t work for me now. I have to work twice as hard to get to the point where my body was its happiest. And as much as I know that all to be true and know that it may never happen, I can’t get that thought out of my head. Will I be unhappy if I don’t get there but can get closer to it than I am now? It’s hard to say. If I know I’ve worked as hard as I possibly can but only get so far, I hope I’ll have enough strength to tell myself that it’s ok… but body dysmorphia might show its ugly face and tell me otherwise. There’s no way to know until it happens.

If you’re following along on this harrowing journey, I thank you for your support. If you haven’t already, please be sure to check out the Instagram page which is updated once a day to give basically a daily play by play of how things are going. It’s not always pretty, but it’s always honest.