Perception vs. Reality
This is something that can be debated at length given any number of topics, but I have something specific in mind right now. Let's do it...
A brief history lesson first: I have dealt with mental health issues in some form or another since the age of 13. I went on medication and started therapy in September of '97... right after the beginning of 8th grade. At first they thought I was depressed... no one ever pressed more than that. Fast forward to March '01 (3 months shy of finishing my Junior year) and I get "diagnosed" bipolar (you'll see why this is in quotes later on). I let it become part of my identity. "Hi. I'm Danielle. I have bipolar." It was just part of my language. I let it define me and let other people use it against me. Fast forward again to March '07 and I now have a severe anxiety diagnosis. At this point I was very over-medicated to the point of basically overdosing on my meds every day (not to my knowledge, though, of course).
For the next 10 years I would let these things become who I was. Every decision I made, every word I spoke, every tiny little thing that happened all came back to either bipolar or anxiety or even my medication ("Oh shit I missed my dose!"). I was in and out of therapy, never finding the right fit, until I just gave up and let the medication do what I thought was the right thing. Then in October '17, after a horrible trauma which I will touch on in another post, I put myself back into therapy. One of the first things my new therapist said was, "I don't think you're bipolar." I then got a new med person who said, "I don't think you're bipolar." Here were two professionals that were just meeting me, but based off my history and current state, they were already ruling it out. I had never had anyone say this, even when I was questioning the diagnosis myself in my mid-20s. The medications were reduced, diagnoses changed, and I felt like a new person.
What is my actual diagnosis? PTSD with anxiety. As of February of this year, I am 100% medication free. It took 21 1/2 years before I was completely off of all medication and had a real understanding of who I am and what it all means. So allow me to break it down as I see it...
Getting misdiagnosed at such a young and pivotal age made an impact on me. It made me think, "Well, this is who I am now. Better lean into it." But it was so wrong and I'm only now just coming to terms with it all. I get anxious about things and "freak out" every now and then, but nothing I have is crippling (unless my PTSD gets triggered, but, again, that's a story for another day). Once I can pinpoint what is causing my anxiety, I can take the steps to alleviate it. Does it always work? Of course not, but I'm only human. And that's the important take-away... I'm human.
For the longest time I used to say I had severe anxiety and that I was horribly socially awkward. But the truth is... that's not accurate. It was the perception that I had of myself. We all see ourselves differently than everyone else does, but this was taking an actual toll on my life. I've taken the steps towards combating this in recent months and I've seen such a change in myself and how other people act around me. I get nervous meeting new people or engaging in new activities, but who doesn't? That doesn't mean that there's something fundamentally wrong with me.
How do we change our perception? How do we see ourselves the way others do and not let our own fears make the perception and reality far distant entities? I'm not actually sure yet, but we have to allow our perception to change. If we keep ourselves in that tiny box in our heads... the one we labeled years ago and never changed... then the reality of it all will never be achieved.
If people think you're great the maybe, just maybe, you actually are.
- Danielle
