Fear, panic, and all that jazz
Last night I had my first panic attack in a while. Something triggered my PTSD, threw me into a complete panic, and my body shut down. Let me tell you, climbing up 5 flights of stairs when you're hyperventilating is no easy task. When I got inside my apart, I just collapsed... I couldn't even move further inside until I gained my composure. So what happened? Well, let's see if I can break it down...
I had a great night after seeing Freestyle Love Supreme (preme preme preme preme) for the 17th time. I got to hang out with some friends and it was all in all a really good time. Hopped on the train to head back uptown... and then it happened. A couple got on the train and I just had the feeling of "this isn't going to end well." They sat down next to me and just started arguing. But here's the thing... to everyone else on the train it probably didn't look like much. "Oh they're just having a spat" or maybe "they just had a rough day." But to someone who's been in that exact situation, I knew what I was seeing. The way the man spoke to her. The way the woman reacted to the things he said. How he kept getting up and walking away and she was following him. Subtle things, but if you've been there yourself, you know what it is.
Now the sensible thing would have been to immediately switch train cars and get away from them. Did I do this? Ummm... no. I waited far too long, to the point that I was triggered, and THEN got up and moved. By that time it was too late and I knew what was coming.
Once I got inside my apartment, as I said, I just collapsed. The breathing got quicker, the tears came... I started feeling suffocated. As I sat there in my entryway, I took of my jacket, my shoes, my watch... anything that felt constraining in any way. I put my hands on the wall in front of me not just to try and ground myself, but to push on... give myself more space.
I hadn't had a panic attack like this in a long time and it scared me. The idea that these things from my past (the not so distant past, but still the past) can affect me so badly is truly terrifying. Once I was able to pull myself up and talk things out with a friend, I felt better, but there was that lingering fear in the back of my mind...
Will I ever be 100% ok? Will I forever be triggered by ghosts from my past? I don't think there's a definitive answer here. I have traumas from many many years ago that still come back to haunt me every now and then. It's a difficult thing to deal with. On top of that, I always have the fear of... will it happen again? Once again, the sensible thought is, "Of course not! Look how far you've come. You'll never let that happen again..." but we're not always sensible.
- Danielle
