About 6 months ago I had a wake-up call… or so I thought. I hadn’t been eating well at all, was sick all the time, and right after my birthday had a real health scare. I took that as a sign that I was supposed to make a change. I decided the best thing for me to do was go vegan. I knew I couldn’t have dairy anymore and I’d gone vegetarian in the past so I figured I’d give it a shot.

I was pleasantly surprised at how easy the transition was and after a few weeks started to notice a difference in how I felt. I wasn’t eating perfectly, but going vegan helped to cut out certain trigger foods for me and was definitely a step in the right direction. Sure, I still had days when I craved certain foods (and gave into those cravings) and on those days I always felt sick afterwards. It just further drove home my need to stick to this dietary plan.

Then in late July I discovered Noom and thought, “Now this is great! This will get me on the right track towards a healthy lifestyle…” when I stuck to it that is. A combination of depression and anxiety with the monotony of every day life at these times was not a winning cocktail for making this stick. I even tried to start running again, was doing well for a little while, but that eventually fell away too. No matter what I tried, the depression always took over. It became either eat everything in sight or not eat at all…and neither are good options.

By the time the end of October rolled around, I’d basically given up completely. This last month was just a series of pitfalls one right after the other. I couldn’t seem to stay up long enough to make any kind of improvement, whether physical or psychological. A good-ish day would be followed by 5 bad ones and on the bad ones, all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. Now, at the beginning of December, I’m finding myself in the exact same place I was 6 months ago: scared and worried about the state of my health.

I used to dream about being thin. When I went through my eating disorder, I had a whole book full of “thinspiration” or “thinspo” as it’s casually called. I wouldn’t eat for days sometimes just to feel something… anything. It wasn’t healthy, I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t care. For 2 years I grappled with this notion of “eat as little as possible and you’ll feel better at the end of the day.” Years later I finally learned how to lose weight the healthy way, and was able to do so, but one thing led to another (per usual) and the weight came back. Every time it did and I had to go buy new clothes again I felt like shit. I felt like everything I’d done was worthless and that I’d never be anything more than I am.

As time has gone on, and especially after the health issues of this year, I no longer striver for “thin.” Sure it would be great, but at this point I only want one thing: to be healthy. I want to live. I want to know that everything I’ve overcome hasn’t been for nothing. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself and I want this for me. I want to know that in 5, 10, 15 years I’ll look back on this moment and realize “that’s when I decided to live.” But in order for that to happen, I have to make changes. I’ve seen what can happen if I don’t and, to put it bluntly, it scares the shit out of me.

So today I make a pledge to no one but myself, and that pledge is to live. That’s it. I want to live and to live I have to be healthy.

Seems simple enough, yes?

Here’s hoping.

- Danielle

Back to square one

Rollercoaster or waverider

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