Rollercoaster or waverider
It’s easy to recognize when you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, right? One minute you’re up and feeling great and then you fly towards the earth at record speeds only to be flung up again and maybe go upside down and around corners. It might be fun or terrifying, but it’s all something we can relate to.
Sometimes I wonder if that’s even accurate, though. Often times it actually feels like one of those tower drop rides. You wait with anticipation for that moment when you’ll be flung into the air, you bounce around a few times feeling like you’ve never been higher… and then it’s over and you head back down again. Sure you can get back on and ride as many times as you want, but after a while it just gets exhausting. The thrill of being up makes you want to keep riding over and over again, but the defeat when it’s over makes you question if the high was as good as you thought it was.
Every time I encounter something good, something that should make me proud or happy, I always question it.
“Did that really happen the way I think it did?”
“Did they mean to say that or were they just being nice?”
“Is this actually something I should be proud of or am I just bragging over nothing?”
All of this is nothing more than self-sabotage or even self-gaslighting in a way. You question everything that you’ve said or done or that others have said and done and twist it all until the positives are negatives. When everyone has always knocked you down, you find a way to knock yourself down before they have the chance. You think, “That person didn’t actually mean what they said,” so that if something happens to that friendship you can go, “see, I knew it wasn’t real,” regardless of what actually happened.
Early today I said this to a friend as I was feeling pretty down on myself…
Subtile, no?
It’s hard to beat down that part of your brain that is always telling you that you’re being too much, bragging too much, talking about yourself too much. It’s why it’s hard for me to not only accept that I’ve done things to be proud of, but hard for my to accept compliments from others. I don’t know how to allow myself to accept the praise whether from myself or others. I lead myself onto these rides over and over again and can’t seem to figure out that I don’t have to keep riding. I can choose not to ride.
So this leads us to… how? How do we stop getting back on the ride? Maybe we have to leave the theoretical amusement park altogether and find somewhere a little calmer to hang out. Maybe it’s a matter of replacing that imagery with something better. But what? For me, the best thing that comes to mind is a wave. You can ride it out or let it pass knowing that another one will be along soon. Waves ebb and flow naturally like our emotions so maybe if we stick to that imagery we can get a better handle on it.
I think I’m going to choose to ride the wave from here on out. The rollercoaster and tower drop just aren’t doing it for me anymore. It’s time to cash in my game tickets and leave the park.
I’ll see you at the beach. Grab your surfboard and come join me.
- Danielle
