What do you do when your nightmares come true?
For the last 2 years my worst nightmare has been the same: what would I do if my ex tried to come after me?
It’s kept me up at night, thrown me into panic attacks, and left me feeling unsafe in my own home. Over the last 6 months I took several steps towards safety as I worked on writing the book, but I knew he was still out there watching… waiting. As the months went on and there was no sign of him, no snide comments from anonymous accounts, I assumed he had moved on. I figured if he knew I was writing this book he’d have something to say.
When I launched this website I was excited to learn that I could not only see how many people visit and from where, but it narrowed it down to city location. My previous blog site only showed country so it was interesting for me to see just how far the reach was. This site has only been live for a little over a month, but in that time I noticed it was being frequented obsessively by one user. It took me a couple of days, but it finally dawned on me: that’s him. The initial shock bothered me but I tried to let it go. The book was already out so there was no point in hiding anymore. I still figured that if he had something to say, he would say it and expose himself.
The weeks went on and the views from this “mystery” person continued. No comments, just obsessively checking the website every day for new content. I found myself getting increasingly frustrated and angry over this. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t leave me alone. It’s been almost 3 years since I left and yet I find myself asking: is his life so sad that he can’t let go of mine? I couldn’t understand it. I posted a few not so subtle tweets hoping to draw him out from hiding but also to let him know that he wouldn’t silence me. After all, I wrote an entire book about finding my voice again. I wouldn’t let me keep me quiet just because he wanted it.
Last night something I said finally struck him and he showed his “face”… or, I should say, posted from his newly created anonymous Twitter account. I screenshot it before he could delete anything, blocked and reported the account, and I hoped that would be the end… but it wasn’t.
I started to panic. I knew he had been out there lurking, but actually seeing him engage and having it be real completely threw me. I reached out to a friend who I thought might have some insight as to what I could do and they pointed me towards some resources. I spent the majority of today on the phone with different agencies, but at the end of the day I’m pretty sure I don’t have anything. No threats have been made. Nothing malicious has been said. Unfortunately, this is the reality of the situation when it comes to Domestic Violence… unless there’s an actual threat, nothing is ever done.
I was starting to lose hope and then it came to me: if I can’t stop him from spying on me but I want to keep telling my story, do it privately! I remembered that it was possible to password protect certain pages on the website so I got to work. I reached out to my subscribers (hi subscribers!) and added language to the homepage. I posted on Twitter for people to contact me for the password and shut off all the RSS feeds floating around. I knew this would cut down on my audience, but for my own safety (and sanity) I knew it had to be done.
So here we are… what now? Well, I keep writing. I keep telling my story and helping people find theirs but now I can do it safely and securely. My hope is that given time he’ll give up.
What about my physical safety, you ask? Logically I know the odds of him coming to NY to hurt me are probably unlikely. I’ve had several friends tell me this over the last year. The logical side of my brain doesn’t always win out, but I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact over and over again. I live here now. This is my life that I created. All I have to do is look around at my apartment or look out the window at my neighborhood, my home, and know that I actually am safe here.
I want to thank all of you, dear readers, for your continued support. Whether it comes to the blog, the book, or simply my life, knowing I have the support of people who want to hear my voice is enough sometimes.
Thank you<3
- Danielle
