Hindsight is 20/20
Over the next couple of weeks I can only imagine that there will be a whole string of 2020 recap things. I did a recap last year because it seemed fitting. Not only was the decade ending, but I was coming to the close of my first year in New York. Now as year #2 comes to an end, I (like everyone else) am at a standstill. Everyone keeps talking about how shitty 2020 is and how we can’t wait for it to end, and while all of that is true, when the clock strikes midnight on the 31st… we’re going to be in the same exact position we are right now. Virus numbers climbing, lockdowns happening across the country, and no end in sight.
It’s easy to sit here and think about how crappy this year was. From the moment we knew that lockdowns were starting, life as we knew it came to a halt. That was 9 months ago! Sometimes it’s so hard to wrap my head around that, but it’s fact. 9 months ago we were told “go home, keep distant, wash your hands” and were under the impression that it would only be a few weeks. Weeks turned into months and as months dragged on nothing changed. Now we’re nearing the end of 2020 and still nothing has changed.
And yet (and this is weird to say), I feel like I actually have things to be grateful for. There are good things that came out of 2020…
As the year started, I was saying goodbye to a Broadway show where I spent the majority of the fall of 2019. I was spending time with friends and building relationships that I now can’t imagine my life without. I also had a terrible full body rash (this is important, I swear!). At the very beginning of January, I started to notice this bizarre rash that only spread with each passing day. I couldn’t understand it, hadn’t changed soaps or detergents, and the itch was unbearable. I went to a doctor and was told I had pityriasis rosea. Sounds super fancy, right? In reality it’s just your body reacting to some virus that it already had and fought off. The treatment? Allergy medicine and lotion. That’s it. I was told that I could do things to soothe the itch but that it would just go away on its own… in 4-6 weeks!
I went about my business, continued to hang out with friends (who got used to me randomly screaming “I’m so fucking itchy!”), saw some shows, and just tried to forget about it. When did the last bit of the rash finally go away? Around early March… just before lockdowns started. If you could see how hard I’m rolling my eyes right now you’d think they were going to fall out of my head.
Now, obviously this isn’t something to be grateful for, but I wanted to bring it up because at the time of the rosea I thought, “If this is the worst thing that happens to me this year, then maybe things won’t be so bad.” I probably jinxed myself by thinking that but at the time I believed it. Then the world stopped turning and well…
But back to gratitude for a second…
2020 may have started with a horrible skin ailment and having to say goodbye to a show that became my therapy, but this year had its blessings as well. After 8 years of searching, I was finally able to find a new job. Think I’m making up how long it took? Check this post out for more info. I received the call with the offer on March 10 with a start date of March 31. Just 3 days later… well, you know the rest. I didn’t end up starting the new job until May, but being able to work for an organization I believe in and doing work I actually enjoy (even on the stressful days) almost made the 8 year search worth it… almost!
2020 also brought me some surprising friendships while showing me what a real friend looks like. There are people that I’ve talked to almost every day over the last 9 months (or at least once a week) and others I haven’t spoken to at all. People who have been there for me or reached out… and those, it’s turned out, are only friendly when it’s convenient or beneficial to them. This year, if nothing else, has helped me to really see who I can count on and who my true friends are.
I battled a lot of things in 2020. Not only was I fighting isolation depression and loneliness every single day, but writing the book forced me to conquer my PTSD and trauma in a way I never thought I could. Everything that I endured over the last 9 months, in a way, helped me to come into my own. I feel like I have a better sense of who I am now than I did a year ago. Sure there are still really fucking hard days when I can’t even get out of bed, but there are also days when I dance around my living room all because I can. I know myself and what’s even better is that I like myself. Being able to say that I like and know myself now allows me to basically say “fuck off” to the bullshit in my head… and the bullshit people try to throw at me.
Now this is not to say that this wouldn’t have happened had 2020 been a normal year and I’d been out in the world, but the forced isolation put me in a position to go, “well, if you don’t like yourself, then this isn’t gonna go well.” I want nothing more than for things to safely return to normal so that I can hug my friends and go sit in diners for hours on end, but until it’s actually safe… I’m my only company. Yes Mojo and Magnus are great entertainment, but not so good with carrying a conversation.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. Obviously this is just a silly idiom telling us that when we look back on things with the knowledge we have now that we’re able to see it all more clearly. It’s a phrase I use often in looking back at my own life, but something about it has been sitting with me for a few days now. Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe when we look back on 2020 in 5, 10, 15 years we’ll be able to see the good things that came out of this horrible year. Maybe we’ll be able to have hindsight when it comes to 2020. Or, in reality, this will be the year that our children’s children’s children talk and learn about the way my generation learned about the Great Depression. It’ll be something that’s in history books with pictures of people loading up on toilet paper and protesting about wanting haircuts.
But even good things can come out of the worst years. Sometimes you have to look a little harder for them, but I promise you… they’re there. After all, hindsight is 20/20.
- Danielle
