Save your energy
I basically already did a 2020 recap of sorts, so I’m going to try my best not to be too reflective in this post, but…
I’ve been thinking a lot over the last week. Yes, I think a lot in general (anyone that’s been following me for a while or that knows me personally is already aware of that), but the last week or so my mind has been elsewhere. Work has been very busy and stressful, I was anxiously awaiting Covid test results (it was negative, by the way, so no need to worry), and I can’t help thinking just how different the holidays look this year from previous years. All of this is to be expected, of course, but there’s been one specific thing that my mind has been very focused on…
When I was in the heat of book writing this summer, I had friends (who know me well and were helping me along the way) tell me that I needed to include more of my own backstory in the book. While the main bulk of the book focuses on the years I spent with my ex-husband, they felt it was important to show who I was before I met him and why. What they really meant by that was: I needed to talk about my mother.
If you can find a more 80s picture, I’d love to see it
Also, shoutout to 5 year old Danielle who couldn’t eat an ice cream cone without first biting off the bottom.
I haven’t talked a lot about her on this blog (or publicly at all) because there’s still so much to sort out there. Hell, that’s a book in and of itself! But I knew that at least some of that story needed to be included. However, once I wrote it out, I knew that I needed to confront her in some way before going public with it. In a way, it was me giving myself permission by saying, “Tell her everything you’ve been wanting to say and then you can write about it.” So I did just that. I talk a little bit about what happened in this post, but let me delve a little deeper and then we’ll get into why I’ve been upset.
When I was at my dad’s in July, my stepmom and I had a conversation one night. I’m honestly so grateful to have her in my life because she’s been more of a mom to me than my own mother ever was. We talked about the book and what I was writing, we talked about how I was as a teenager, and then she said something that made me have to pause and really explain, for the first time ever, why certain things happened when I was a teenager. I’d talked about it in therapy before, but never told someone in my family (I don’t want to give away too much because this all laid out in the book… sorry!). After I finished, she gave me a big hug and we both started crying. She apologized for not knowing and for feeling like she should have done more or pushed my dad to be more involved. But I don’t blame her or my dad… I blame my mother.
A few weeks later, I received a text from my mother asking me for a favor. It was out of the blue and so ridiculous that I just lost it. She’s the type of person who will only reach out when she needs something from you but then guilt you when she doesn’t hear from you. So… I sat down and wrote an email. I talked about everything that had been bothering me and everything I talked to my stepmom about… and then I saved it to my drafts. I didn’t want to send it when I was angry so I waited. I discussed it with my therapist later in the week and she said, “If you send that, you have to be prepared for this to be the end. Sending it is you saying that you’re letting go.” After that session, I sat on the email for a couple more days, reread it a few times… and then hit send. A week went by before I received a response and when it finally came in I was not the least bit surprised by the response.
Instead of comforting me or being a parent or having even the tiniest bit of empathy, she blamed me for feeling the way that I do. She blamed me for not understanding what she is going through. And that right there is the difference between my mother and stepmother. One embraced me and apologized and the other told me it was my own fault for feeling the way that I do. After that, I knew that everything I had written in the book was ok because it was the truth and essential to my own story.
Why am I talking about all of this now… months later? Chalk it up to the holiday season and the year ending, I guess. I tend to get sentimental at the end of each year and think back on the things that have happened. I think about if there’s bridges that need to be mended or if they should stay burned. When I sent out my Christmas cards, I sent her one. Not because of some guilt-ridden need to reach out, but simply because it’s easier to be the bigger person sometimes. Chanukah came and went and not a word from her. I highly doubt she’ll reach out at any point over the next week… because that’s just how she is. I know this. I know exactly how she is. And yet… it hurts. It really fucking hurts that my own mother can’t get over her shit long enough to reach out to her daughter and just say, “Happy Chanukah” or “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Festivus”…
I know I shouldn’t be bothered, but I am and that bothers me even more. I’m beyond grateful for the people in my life who actually care about me (family and friends alike) and I know that I’m not actually missing anything with her absence… but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
And, please, if there’s anyone reading this who wants to chime in with, “… but she’s the only mother you’ll ever have. You should be nicer to her…” just don’t. Giving birth to someone doesn’t make you a parent. Acting like a parent, loving your child unconditionally, and not making them feel like a burden on your life is what grants you that parental respect.
This post ended up being a little more ranty than I was hoping, but sometimes we all need to rant. Here comes the positive spin though.
You ready?
Sometimes people are going to disappoint you. It may be a friend or family member or romantic partner, but at some point it’s going to happen. When it does, remember those who love you even when shit is hard. Remember that there are people who have your back without expecting anything in return. Toxic people are going to come and go and learning to recognize them can be hard, but clearing them out makes room for those who are truly there for you. And in case you ever forget, Dr Seuss said it perfectly…
I know it can be hard this time of year, especially with everything happening, but there are people who do not deserve your energy and love. Keep it. Save it for those who are deserving… those who have proven to be there for you.
Love you all and happy holidays!
- Danielle
